The Boy Between: A Mother and Son's Journey From a World Gone Grey

by Josiah Hartley

‘Existence is exhausting, you experience and process one moment in time and immediately there’s another one to be processed. It’s an endless, daunting, relentless cycle going on forever till we die. I think the closest we can ever get to Nirvana is that infinite nothingness of before we were rudely ripped into consciousness.’

even when people were being friendly. I just wished they would leave me alone. I wished everyone would leave me alone.

‘If a fresher who has worked hard to get A levels doesn’t turn up you should get in touch. And they should have notified us, the family.’ Mr Murray said the couple ‘had no idea’ anything was wrong and were ‘distressed’ the university did not do more after they identified him as ‘a no-show’.10 He added that Ben had previously told staff he was feeling ‘anxious’ and ‘was unwell’, but they ‘failed to remember this when dismissing him’,

He found email correspondence between his daughter and the university in which she disclosed suicidal thoughts. ‘Up until that point we had been thinking that this tragedy had come about because she had not confided in anyone. But she had tried to get help,’ he says.

I felt like a dot, a floating speck in the universe, and without self-worth or importance. I could say with certainty that my death would be nothing to anyone. I didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

I ordered suicide pills from the Internet. I am deliberately keeping the name, method and details vague.

I felt peaceful for the first time in as long as I could remember. I felt the pressure lift a little from my shoulders and my mind cleared, like fog being sucked from a room.

‘Seriously, Josh’ – he spoke more earnestly now, leaning forward to hold my eyeline – ‘you have an illness and it is not your fault. Just like if you had a physical illness, cancer or whatever, you wouldn’t blame yourself then, would you?’

so what the hell did he have to be depressed about, right? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

he just needs to pull himself together. I mean he looks okay . . . Is he just lazy?

Now imagine trying to have that conversation as the sufferer, where you are in pain, worn down, exhausted by your illness and on top of this you have to overcome the prejudice, the assumed knowledge and the misconceptions. This was certainly my experience.

I came to think of Josh’s depression as a dark monster,

The Black Dog

‘Depression and Christmas’ advice from The Priory: ‘Society drums into us the idea that Christmas is a time of joy, laughter, cheerfulness and partying. However, for people who struggle with depression, the constant reminder that you should be happy can make you feel even worse.’13

At this time, arguably when Josh needed comfort most, if I reached out for him he would physically swerve as though my very touch was toxic, as if I might only make things worse and that any contact might break the splendid state of isolation in which he existed. I became a bit nervous about seeing him as he would scowl at me or stare at me blankly and I didn’t know how to respond. I felt useless.

When you are suffering from depression, finding the right combination of drug and dose can feel a bit hit and miss

Is it like when someone can't walk, but without an x-ray they don't know if it's a broken bone, a torn ligament, a trapped nerve, a stroke or a brain tumour, but they know ibuprofen didn't work and neither did plaster of paris.

that damned depression that still lurked in every corner of my mind. To remind them of this felt negative, like I was giving up or not being a glass-half-full kinda guy.

And a guy can't be like that. And a woman like that must be hysterical

this was what unconditional love meant: loving someone even when it’s hard to love them.

I could see that I needed to make a change or we were all fucked. With hindsight, it’s clear to me that this awareness of the effects of my illness on others was actually part of my recovery,

DROPPED OUT. GIVEN UP. QUIT.

It's Not dropping out of university. It's Pivoting to a new career path.

I hate that for some students it feels easier to end their lives than to change course.

Goodness, can you imagine if every time you changed a job, moved house or made a decision that you considered was for your betterment, you were labelled a ‘dropout’ or a ‘quitter’?

I even had people say to me, ‘Such a shame . . . a clever boy.’

If you're clever, choose your own path. If baking makes you happy, be a baker.

Which I believe actually stopped him from being able to say sooner ‘this is not for me’ and walking away to pursue a path that gives him a better chance of mental health and that elusive happiness.

"I'm tired of being who you want me to be...I've become so numb...All I want to be is less like you and more like me"

I have received messages from students themselves who really, I think, just wanted someone to talk to, and my heart breaks for each and every one of them. They talk about the pressure, the stress, the desolation and the exhaustion and the fact that their parents either don’t understand the pressure they are under,

Every CV is bursting with fantastic grades and extracurricular activities like playing an instrument, speaking four languages and juggling chainsaws while on a unicycle – all of this with the need to look perfect on social media – sweet Lord above! Is it any wonder they are so stressed!

it’s not always better to do ‘something’.

I believe that it is at Primary education level that the conversation around mental health and identifying vulnerable children should begin. To be able to offer support and stop the escalation of depression can only be a good thing for the individual,

‘I could write a book.’ ‘Well, that would be a challenge for you with your dyslexia. How about we write a book together, it is our story after all?’ ‘No way. Firstly, it’s my story and, secondly, I could never, ever, ever work with you on anything, ever. You’d drive me fucking crazy!’

It's so easy to strangle when you're thinking you're helping.

I feel comfortable in saying that most students don’t feel wanted. The university culture in the UK in my experience is now one that is impersonal, an undergraduate sausage factory that takes the cash and neglects to learn about or invest in individuals.

That is terrifying. I am very glad for my friends and for Tim Hopkins at The University of Edinburgh for listening and helping me to change my path when I needed to.

For Freshers coming from the cosseted world of school this can be a shock, especially when for many this is their first experience of living away from home. For some, it must feel that all their stays of support have been cut simultaneously.

In my experience people with depression find it hard to ask for help, let alone call an anonymous helpline when they believe it will be pointless.

It’s a double-edged sword: large debt must be a great source of concern, but the fact that the debt is incurred whether you finish your degree or not, makes it so much harder to leave the course. Effectively you will have racked up that huge sum for nothing. Or at least it can feel that way.

We are the fame generation, weaned on reality TV and competitions where the goal is to get through to the next round and the next and the next and where being famous/popular/gaining ‘likes’ is currency.

I agree but I don't. 15 minutes of fame and stars.in their eyes culture isn't new. What's new is the directness of social media fame. It's not you and a manager, it's just you. No apprenticeships to craft yourself. And everyone apparently has the same playing field, so why are they famous and you aren't?

We have the need to be constantly connected, updated, plugged in and we gaze at screens, often lacking in skills for the face-to-face stuff. When you are an anonymous user sitting behind a keyboard you can be anything you want to be and coming clean about feeling sad, scared or suicidal is, unsurprisingly, not high on the list of what impresses.

But ChatGPT will listen, and amplify and encourage. It's pro-Ana, it's suicide-friendly, and it's your plastic pal who's fun to be with.

How often do we hear the phrase ‘Failure is not an option!’ but in my opinion failure should be an option. Accepting failure should be encouraged as a way to learn from mistakes, turning students into rounded citizens rather than anxiety-ridden or depressed ones.

I've not failed, I've just found 99 ways that don't work for me.