You're Not Enough (and That's Ok): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love

by Allie Beth Stuckey

Frankly, I was self-obsessed.

Slater cites Nicholas Emler of the London School of Economics, whose research found that “there is absolutely no evidence that low self-esteem is particularly harmful, and that people with low self-esteem seem to do just as well in life as people with high self-esteem.”

But that fear ignores the reality that as Christians, our options aren’t boiled down to high self-esteem versus low self-esteem, or self-love versus self-hatred. We choose neither. Instead, we operate out of total self-forgetfulness.

Love of neighbor is about applying the same instincts we have to take care of and be kind to ourselves to other people as well. This will mean, as the Philippians 2 verse says, counting others as even more important than we count ourselves, and sacrificing our needs for the good of others.

The people who suffer from our narcissism are the most vulnerable. The idea that “you can’t love other people until you love yourself” reeks of entitlement and elitism. While we’re busy trying to come to terms with cellulite on our thighs, there are people who are desperately hurting, lonely, and in need of our love and care. That we have to wait until we love ourselves to love other people like this is a lie from the pit of hell. Satan would love nothing more than for us to waste our time with fleeting efforts in self-betterment while people around us are suffering. Jesus shows us a better way.

the love demonstrated by the Samaritan isn’t one of admiration, it’s one of determination.

Romans 12:2 calls our bodies a “living sacrifice.” This means that our whole lives are meant to be dedicated to God in worship, not just certain compartments.

Fear isn’t a good justification for getting married.

Here’s what I’ve told more young women than I can count: you should not be convincing yourself you want to be with him. Likewise, you shouldn’t have to persuade him to be with you. If you’re in this kind of relationship, it may mean you’re making an idol of dating or marriage. If you’re willing to be miserable just because you don’t want to be alone or deal with the pain of a breakup, there could be something much deeper going on in your heart than incompatibility with your boyfriend.

Christians who remain single aren’t “missing out”; they are offered the same satisfaction in Christ as those who are married, and, bonus: they have the time and capacity to do things married folk can’t.

Pulled in a million different directions, we started to grow apart. The rare quiet moments together in the evenings were spent on our phones and computers with the TV on in the background. We’d get in daily, petty fights because one of us nagged the other or overreacted about a change in plans. There was always tension when we were in the same room, and we knew we could easily erupt in an argument if the other so much as stepped in the wrong direction. We were stressed, and instead of helping each other, we were tearing each other down. We were far apart in the same home. Seasons like this are when commitment isn’t fun anymore, love isn’t natural, and conversation isn’t easy.

You will get married one day or you won’t, and either way, Jesus and his promises to be faithful to you and sustain you don’t lessen or change.

In a culture of self-love that’s convincing women that they need to love themselves before they can love other people, our cheerfulness as moms tells a different story: that there is joy in pouring yourself out, even when you don’t feel filled up. That sacrifice is worth it.

It’s a relief to know that I don’t have to wait until I meet an arbitrary standard of self-love before I can love other people. How would I ever know that I’ve finally loved myself enough to finally form relationships, have children, or help those around me? Know that you don’t have to wait either. God’s love is all you need for confidence and the ability to love others.

You’re not enough for your own fulfillment. God made you not only to need him but also to need other people. Popular culture will tell you to invest only in relationships that feel good and help you advance your goals. God tells us that sacrificial love is the goal.