You're Not Enough (and That's Ok): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love

by Allie Beth Stuckey

Many of us find ourselves in this cycle daily: feeling burned out, seeking encouragement from superficial sources, then feeling better only to feel worse a few hours later. This is exactly the consequence of getting sucked into what I call the toxic culture of self-love.

Maybe we’re unfulfilled, lonely, and purposeless because we love ourselves way too much. Yes, many of us struggle with insecurities and even self-loathing. But these are just other indicators of self-obsession. Even when we don’t like ourselves, our perpetual prioritization of our wants, needs, problems, and dreams above all else proves that we still love ourselves a whole lot.

While we’re telling ourselves we’re enough as we are, we’re also reading the next book, listening to the next podcast, or following the next ten-step plan to help us realize and manifest our enough-ness by finding our “best selves.” But if we were really enough as is, we wouldn’t have to try so hard to convince ourselves it’s true.

While the admission that self-love won’t satisfy us may feel counterintuitive (it’s certainly countercultural), it also gives us immense relief. We get to remove this crushing burden of trying to muster up a love inside us that just doesn’t hold up under the weight of life’s demands.

There’s a reason Jesus describes himself as Living Water and Bread of Life: he satisfies. The searching for peace and for purpose stops in him alone. He created us; therefore only he can tell us who we are and why we’re here.

But when Jesus is on the throne of our lives, he has the authority to give us our identity and purpose, and in him, these things never change.

In exchange for superficial confidence and unsatisfying self-care, Jesus offers us steadfast assurance and trust in his faithfulness.

Motherhood is the calling God has placed on our lives now, and we fulfill that calling for his glory, not for our own recognition.

When our reason behind our rest is to ensure better service to the Lord and to others, we don’t have to worry whether or not taking needed breaks is self-centered. It’s not.

Our sole aim is to honor God by gratefully executing the tasks he’s put before us with his help.

Time spent worshipping the God of Scripture is never time wasted, but time spent worshipping the god of self is.

I didn’t start healing from heartache until I stopped submitting to my own standards for right and wrong, which were based on what felt good, and submitted to God’s standards for right and wrong, which are based on what is good.

The one, true Jesus cares so much about our sin that he endured a gruesome death on a cross to save us from it.

Until you realize that the reason you matter is because God created you and sent his Son to die for you, you’ll be running a rat race toward the prize of perfectionism that doesn’t actually exist.

We don’t need to search for our purpose or the meaning of our lives. We have worth and our lives matter because the God who made us says so.

Our minds have so intertwined self-affirmation and success that we’re afraid that if we stop telling ourselves how great we are, our lives will take a nosedive into misery.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the busyness of our own lives and forget that there are others who desperately need our love, time, and resources. But this selfishness is a sin we need to repent of. In a day when people are literally dying of loneliness, Christians have the responsibility to offer a love that can save lives—both now and forever.

Being a mom or student or employee who does our work with joy and excellence for the glory of God and the good of others is also an act of Spirit-filled generosity.