You're Not Enough (and That's Ok): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love

by Allie Beth Stuckey

The answer to the purposelessness and hollowness we feel is found not in us but outside of us. The solutions to our problems and pain aren’t found in self-love, but in God’s love.

Self-love is superficial and temporary. God’s love is profound and eternal. And his love compels us to something much better than self-obsession: self-sacrifice. While the thought of putting others before ourselves is considered blasphemy in the culture of self-love, it’s the joyous mode of operation for those who follow God. God’s love frees and empowers us to consider and serve other people before and instead of ourselves.

The first step to getting out of whatever unhealthy cycle you’re currently in is realizing just how not enough you are. That means letting go of the responsibility to be your own source of fulfillment—a responsibility that was never yours in the first place.

There’s a reason Jesus describes himself as Living Water and Bread of Life: he satisfies. The searching for peace and for purpose stops in him alone. He created us; therefore only he can tell us who we are and why we’re here. And aren’t these the questions everyone’s trying to answer: Who are we and why are we here? The world’s answer to these questions is “You.” You define your identity, your purpose, your value, your truth. Jesus’s answer is “Me.” He defines your identity, your purpose, your value, your truth.

Time spent worshipping the God of Scripture is never time wasted, but time spent worshipping the god of self is.

Churches are to exist in local communities to encourage and instruct Christians in God’s Word, to meet the needs of fellow believers, and to equip members to share the Gospel and serve their neighbors and the “least of these.”

A good question to ask when listening to preachers is: Is he providing context and pointing us to Christ, or is he extracting verses to fit a predetermined message and pointing us to ourselves?

And how much better a message is that—that we’re not our own heroes, but God is? This is the privilege of being a Christian: shaking off the pressure of being our own gods and instead relying on the Savior, who is steadfast and sure.

“You’re perfect the way you are” leads us into accepting parts of ourselves that we should be rejecting, making excuses for ourselves when we should be repenting, and believing things about ourselves that hold no lasting value.

To constantly focus on our unique attributes is to totally miss the point of what God calls us to do. God calls each of us not to be our “best selves,” but to be filled with the fruit of the spirit, which, according to Galatians, is made up of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. We are called to embody all of these qualities, not only the ones that come naturally to us.

We don’t need to search for our purpose or the meaning of our lives. We have worth and our lives matter because the God who made us says so.

Once we realize just how not perfect we are, and how little self-discovery contributes to our fulfillment, we begin to see just how unreliable we are as masters of our own fate and rulers of our lives. This means that rather than follow our hearts, as we’re so often encouraged to do, we should question them.

Are these feelings valid? Of course not, because they have no basis in truth.

It’s important to distinguish between real and valid. Our feelings may be real in that we truly feel them, but they’re not valid if they’re not based in reality. Our feelings can be very much irrational.

While all valid feelings are real, not all real feelings are valid. That means we can acknowledge our emotions without affirming them. The question of “Why?” can help us determine the difference between valid and invalid feelings. Sometimes we just need to dig a little deeper and realize that we’re not being logical. Hanging on to an illogical emotion is only going to make us and those we love feel worse, not better.

This means that, yes, of course we can exercise, lose weight, diet, change our hair and all the rest—but only if we do so in an effort to truly care for the bodies that God has given us. Only in order to glorify him, not in order to worship ourselves. Motivation matters.

Only the one who created us can tell us what we’re worth. And he says that we’re worth so much that he sent his only Son to die for us, paying for your sins, which are profound and many, so that we could spend forever with him. He did this all for his glory, and for our good. Because of this, we are no longer defined by what we think of ourselves or what others think of us, but who he says that we are.

Jesus’s command to love others as we love ourselves is not a command to love ourselves.

This same Jesus calls us not to self-love but to self-denial and full obedience. He doesn’t tell us to learn to love ourselves before we love other people, because his love for us is more than sufficient to equip us to love those around us.

Seasons like this are when commitment isn’t fun anymore, love isn’t natural, and conversation isn’t easy. Gone are the dating days when you couldn’t get enough of each other. Now it’s an effort to spend more than fifteen minutes together without fighting. This is when you’re required to make a choice to either deny yourself and love when you don’t feel like it, or do.

It’s not found in ourselves. We are not enough, and we were never meant to be. That’s good news.