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by
Bronnie Ware
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July 24 - July 26, 2021
Finding the courage to act or surrender will never be as painful as lying on a deathbed with regrets.
‘Well, my friend and I went shopping yesterday and I bought her some new underpants,’ she would announce seriously and proudly to all of her elderly bingo friends. Everyone would nod and smile at me as I sat there thinking, ‘Oh brother!’
Thirty miles was a long way away by English standards, but just down the road for an Australian.
In England, you can drive two miles and be in a whole new village. The accent will be totally different from the previous village and you may not know anyone, even if you have lived in the other village all of your life. In Australia, you can drive fifty miles for a loaf of bread. Your neighbours can be so far away they ring you up or speak to you on the two-way radio to say hello, but they still think of you as their neighbour. I once worked in an area in the Northern Territory that was so remote they flew planes to get to the nearest pub. The little airstrip would be full of single and
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No-one in my family could understand my restlessness with a steady nine-to-five existence in the banking game. They were ‘good jobs’: good jobs that were slowly but surely killing me.
Our society has shut death out, almost as a denial of its existence. This denial leaves both the dying person and the family or friends totally unprepared for something that is inevitable. We are all going to die. But rather than acknowledge the existence of death, we try to hide it.
Once we acknowledge that limited time is remaining, although we don’t know if that is years, weeks or hours, we are less driven by ego or by what other people think. Instead, we are more driven by what our hearts truly want. Acknowledging our inevitable, approaching death offers us the opportunity to find greater purpose and satisfaction in the time we have remaining.
They say that everything comes down to love or fear: every emotion, every action, and every thought.
Not every dying person wanted his or her family there. They said their goodbyes while conscious and occasionally preferred to be seen out by carers, allowing their families to keep other memories instead.
Surrender is not giving up, far from it. Surrender takes an enormous amount of courage. Often we are only capable of doing so when the pain of trying to control the outcome becomes too much to bear. Reaching that point is actually liberating, even if it is not fun. Being able to accept that there is absolutely nothing more you can do, other than hand it over to the greater force, is the catalyst that finally opens the flow.
Being sick is certainly one way to dissolve the ego. Dignity disappears into the past forever when you are terminally ill.
Of all of the regrets and lessons shared with me as I sat beside their beds, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common of all. It was also the one that caused the most frustration, as the client’s realisation came too late.
It is human nature to find the strength needed to avoid further pain, long before we actually bless ourselves with pleasure. In other words, the longing to avoid pain is stronger than the yearning for pleasure. So it is often only when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make changes.
The pain I had accepted from others had been their own suffering projected onto me. Happy people don’t treat other people that way, nor do they judge others for living a life true to his or her self. If anything, they respect it. Recognising the pain carried into my generation from previous ones, I had the choice to break free of it in my own life. I was never going to be able to control another and had no desire to. People change because they want to and when they are ready.
The most important thing I have learnt in life though, the absolutely most important, is that compassion starts with yourself.
We discussed how the only way to experience love is to accept people for who they are and have no expectations of them. While it may be much easier said than done, it was the most loving approach possible.
‘Live true to your own heart, darling. Don’t ever worry what others think.
Racism is something I will never understand. The majority of us are the same: we just want to be happy and, on some level, we all have hearts that suffer.
One example of being influenced by the surrounding environment is watching down-to-earth and already happy people get caught up in the chase for more, more, more after a job promotion.
His disabilities gave him a sense of relief in a way, as if he didn’t have to try anymore.
Failure was not about whether he would have been successful or not in whatever he tried. Just having a go would have been a success in itself.
He told me he didn’t particularly like the work itself, just the role it gave him in society and among his friends. The chase of closing a deal had also become a bit of an addiction.
We spend so much time making plans for the future, often depending on things happening at a later date to assure our happiness or assuming we have all the time in the world, when all we ever have is our life today.
Why do we depend so much on the material world to validate us?’
‘It’s just that the chase for more, and the need to be recognised through our achievements and belongings, can hinder us from the real things, like time with those we love, time doing things we love ourselves, and balance.
‘There is nothing wrong with loving your work and wanting to apply yourself to it, but there is so much more to life. Balance is what is important, maintaining balance.’
Don’t work too hard. Try to maintain balance. Don’t make work your whole life.’
Life doesn’t owe you anything. Neither does anyone else. Only you owe yourself. So the best way to make the most out of life is to appreciate the gift of it, and choose not to be a victim.’
When you are doing work you love, it doesn’t feel like work. It is simply a natural extension of who you are.’
Money is just another kind of energy, one that wants to bring good and happiness. But we use it wrongly, giving it power, chasing it, fearing it, unbalancing our lives in its pursuit, as we obsess over it,’
It can take years to work out what you want to do, and it did for me. But the satisfaction that awaits will make the search worth it for anyone.’
We have created a society where adults are so insular and apart. Working together, expressing their feelings, and being joyous were the natural states of the children I watched.
courage and honesty are always rewarded.
I had begun to think of some of my own ‘friends’ more as warm acquaintances lately. It didn’t mean I thought less of them; they were still a blessing in my life. But having been to some pretty dark places in myself, I now understood what a real friend was.
‘Friends will come and go throughout life. That’s why we should value them while they are here. Sometimes, you simply finish learning or sharing what you were meant to through each other. Others will stay the distance, and that history and understanding is a comforting thing when you’re at the end of the road.’
But to be able to walk for six days unhindered, left me feeling a connection with the Earth I hadn’t known was missing, despite all of my time previously spent in blissful appreciation of the planet.
‘Because happiness is a choice, Rosemary, and one I try to make every day.
I just didn’t think I deserved to be happy. But I do. I know that now. Laughing with you this morning, I realised that there was no need at all to feel guilty for being happy.’
While working towards goals, the present moment is too often neglected along the way. This is what Cath was talking about. Her happiness was based on the end result, and was not enjoyed during the process of getting there.
Working in this field, I had long ago given up the effort of trying to hold back my tears. So much effort is put into keeping up appearances in our society, but it all comes at too high a price.
‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’
The best thing friends and loved ones can do is to accept that this is where the other person is. They may or may not come out of it. There is a good chance they will, especially if they want to. Acceptance supports this potential. Pressure hinders it. The person suffering also needs to accept that this is where his or her life is at, in order to not put pressure on his or her self, which only exacerbates the symptoms.
If occasional blockages now surface, I am patient and loving with myself while working through them. Self-discovery is more joyful. I can smile at my humanness.
None of the life reviews I witnessed from the side of deathbeds included the wish that they had bought or owned more, not even one. Instead, what most occupied the thoughts of dying people were how they lived their lives, what they did, and whether they had made a positive difference to those they left behind, whether that was family, community or whoever.
But if we are a giver without allowing ourself to also receive, then not only are we blocking the natural flow of things to us and creating an imbalance, we are robbing someone else of the pleasure of giving. So allow others to give too. It is only pride or lack of self-worth that stops anyone from being able to receive and every single one of us deserves such goodness.
