Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing

by Bronnie Ware

Finding the courage to act or surrender will never be as painful as lying on a deathbed with regrets.

I was a changed person, as one is after travel.

Once we acknowledge that limited time is remaining, although we don’t know if that is years, weeks or hours, we are less driven by ego or by what other people think. Instead, we are more driven by what our hearts truly want. Acknowledging our inevitable, approaching death offers us the opportunity to find greater purpose and satisfaction in the time we have remaining.

They say that everything comes down to love or fear: every emotion, every action, and every thought.

I sent love to Ruth with a smile and knew that, in her own way, she was visiting me there that day.

Surrender is not giving up, far from it. Surrender takes an enormous amount of courage. Often we are only capable of doing so when the pain of trying to control the outcome becomes too much to bear. Reaching that point is actually liberating, even if it is not fun. Being able to accept that there is absolutely nothing more you can do, other than hand it over to the greater force, is the catalyst that finally opens the flow.

REGRET 1: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

Of all of the regrets and lessons shared with me as I sat beside their beds, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common of all.

It is human nature to find the strength needed to avoid further pain, long before we actually bless ourselves with pleasure. In other words, the longing to avoid pain is stronger than the yearning for pleasure. So it is often only when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make changes.

The pain I had accepted from others had been their own suffering projected onto me. Happy people don’t treat other people that way, nor do they judge others for living a life true to his or her self. If anything, they respect it. Recognising the pain carried into my generation from previous ones, I had the choice to break free of it in my own life. I was never going to be able to control another and had no desire to. People change because they want to and when they are ready.

The most important thing I have learnt in life though, the absolutely most important, is that compassion starts with yourself.

We discussed how the only way to experience love is to accept people for who they are and have no expectations of them. While it may be much easier said than done, it was the most loving approach possible.

‘Live true to your own heart, darling. Don’t ever worry what others think.

REGRET 2: I wish I hadn’t worked so hard

We spend so much time making plans for the future, often depending on things happening at a later date to assure our happiness or assuming we have all the time in the world, when all we ever have is our life today.

Why do we depend so much on the material world to validate us?’

‘It’s just that the chase for more, and the need to be recognised through our achievements and belongings, can hinder us from the real things, like time with those we love, time doing things we love ourselves, and balance. It’s probably all about balance really, isn’t it?’

‘If I can tell you one thing about life, Bronnie, it’s this. Don’t create a life where you are going to regret working too hard. I didn’t know I was going to regret it until now, when I’m facing the very end. But deep in my heart, I knew I was working too hard. Not just for Margaret, but for me too. I would love to have not cared what others thought of me, as I do now. I wonder why we have to wait until we are dying to work things like this out.’ Shaking his head, he kept talking. ‘There is nothing wrong with loving your work and wanting to apply yourself to it, but there is so much more to life. Balance is what is important, maintaining balance.’

Looking across at me with a sad smile, he told me, ‘If I can leave any good in this world besides my family, I leave these words. Don’t work too hard. Try to maintain balance. Don’t make work your whole life.’

She was also philosophical about losing her little girl. Tonia had died of leukaemia when only eight years old. ‘Losing a child is as bad as everyone says it is. No parent should have to experience it, but they do you know, all over the world, every single day. I am merely one of many.’ I listened and appreciated the peace that came over her, as she discussed her daughter. ‘I am glad for her that she didn’t suffer too long. I believe she came into my life to teach me the joy of unconditional love. Since then, I have been able to give that to others, even without being related to them. Dear Tonia, my dear little angel.’

Life doesn’t owe you anything. Neither does anyone else. Only you owe yourself. So the best way to make the most out of life is to appreciate the gift of it, and choose not to be a victim.’

been. She agreed without judgement. ‘We can all be guilty of it at some time. There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion, though, is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time. It not only repels other people, it also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness. No-one owes us anything,’ she continued. ‘We only owe it to ourselves to get off our backsides, count our blessings, and face our challenges. When you live from that perspective, the gifts pour forth.’ I loved this woman.

That was what the emptiness had been with my work. It didn’t have enough purpose for me.’

‘Sometimes you have to take some steps back to get a run-up before you jump,’ she laughed. ‘Money is so misunderstood. It keeps people in the wrong jobs forever because they think they won’t be able to make money doing what they love, when it can really be the other way around. If you totally love what you do, you can become more open to the flow of money, because you are more absorbed in your work and are happier as a person. Of course, it takes some time to change your thinking and stop trying to work out how the money will come.’

Don’t make it about the money. Make it about the project instead. Then the money will attach itself to you naturally, often through unimagined sources.

The money will come to support that intention, providing we take what action we can and don’t block the flow with fear. People of middle age, in particular, find many questions arising and feel a longing to somehow connect with the world through their work. That is the natural yearning for purpose that Pearl spoke of.

But sometimes we can ‘know’ things for a long time before we are ready to act on them. So I could regret it, but I am not going to. Instead I prefer to gently forgive myself for not being ready to leave that job sooner, for not seeing the signposts clearly enough until later.’

During those years when my relationships with them were most painful, I tried to draw on things I liked or loved about them.

REGRET 3: I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

She said that there was no need for guilt at all, if we have truly made our best efforts to express our feelings and to spend time with those we love. But we need to stop thinking that those we love will be around forever.

We are all growing and all have hard days, but there are loving thoughts to be shared too. This is why it is imperative to share your feelings honestly and listen to others on a regular basis. It is too easy to get caught up in your own little world and forget.

REGRET 4: I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends

‘She has her own life now and I’ve learnt over the years that you just have to let go. I brought her into the world, but we do not own our children. We are just blessed with the role of guiding them until they can fly on their own, and that’s what she is doing now.’

Being alone can mean you are lonely or you are happy. Loneliness, though, is a longing for the company of one who understands you. Sometimes being alone and lonely are related, but very often they are not.

‘Don’t lose touch with the friends you value most, Bronnie. Those who accept you as you are, and who know you very well, are worth more than anything in the end. This is a woman speaking from experience,’ she insisted lightly, smiling at me through her pain. ‘Don’t let life get in the way. Just always know where to find them and let them know you appreciate them in the meantime. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable either. I wasted precious time not letting them all know what a mess I was.’

REGRET 5: I wish I had let myself be happier

is important, sure, to work towards finding your purpose and contributing to the world, in any capacity. But depending on the end result for your happiness is not the way to do it. Gratitude for every day along the way is the key to acknowledging and enjoying happiness now. Not when the results come in, or when you retire, or when this or that happens.’

‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’

The Bible stayed open in his hands but he didn’t read. I felt gratitude towards him for respecting the reverence of the moment. It’s not that reading the Bible would not have been a reverent intention. But it wasn’t necessary in the sacredness that already existed.

Then opening his eyes, Lenny looked straight at me and smiled. But it wasn’t my mate, Lenny, who I had come to know. It was Lenny and the full glory of his soul. There was no illness or exhaustion in his smile. It was one of a soul completely free of ego and personality. It was pure love, completely free of everything else. Only radiance and joy remained and their shine was almost blinding in their beauty. I smiled back with honesty as my heart completely burst open. We smiled euphorically, knowing it is all just love in the end. I’d never known such absolutely, uninhibited smiling, given or received. There was nothing in the way. As we both smiled into each other, beaming, time was frozen. After a while, Lenny closed his eyes and a peaceful smile remained on his lips. My own smile remained. My heart was simply too open to stop beaming.

To signify the beginning of my new life, I decided to carry out a formal farewell and welcoming ceremony.

A happy life can be found without moving house or doing anything drastic in our physical world. It is about changing our perception and being brave enough to honour some of our own desires too. No-one else can make us happy or unhappy, unless we allow him or her to.

As he said, there is nothing at all wrong in loving the work we do. In fact, this is how it should be. But we need balance, so work is not our whole life.

Listening to Charlie’s insistence on the benefits of a simple life, I had to agree with his wisdom and life experience. Our true value is not what we own, but who we are. Dying people know this. Their belongings are of no consequence whatsoever at the end. What other people think of them, or what they have achieved in belongings, no longer concerns them.

As Pearl understood, things flow when you need them. She believed the most important thing is to work towards finding our purpose; to do our work, whatever it is, with the right intention and not get trapped into unhappy work situations by a fear of lack. Learning and daring to think without limitations, and not trying to control how things will flow to us, were important messages she insisted on sharing.

But if we can know happiness and fulfilment in this brief time, there is no need for regret when the end comes, as it inevitably will.

Whether we are dying or not, friends are the ones capable of making us laugh through the worst of times.

Kindness and forgiveness are great starting points. Not just to others, but to yourself as well.

Every single one of us is an amazing person, with a potential limited only by our own thinking.

Plant better seeds. Forgive and learn to be gentle on yourself, accepting your own humanness and frailty. Forgive others who may have blamed you for their own unhappiness. We are all human. We have all said and done things that could have been done in a kinder way. Life is over so quickly. It is possible to reach the end with no regrets. It takes bravery to live it right, to honour the life you are here to create, but the choice is yours. So will be the rewards.