Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing

by Bronnie Ware

When some of my dying patients had insisted I share their message onward, they meant so others could fully grasp the anguish and heartache that dying with regrets causes. They wanted me to help others find the courage they had lacked.

Even more so, I am incredibly grateful to have witnessed the reality of death and regret. Facing this has given me courage on many occasions, when life felt too hard. Finding the courage to act or surrender will never be as painful as lying on a deathbed with regrets.

If we are to be able to face our own inevitable death with honest acceptance, before we have reached that time, then we need to shift our priorities well before it’s too late. This gives us the opportunity to put our energies into directions of true value. Once we acknowledge that limited time is remaining, although we don’t know if that is years, weeks or hours, we are less driven by ego or by what other people think. Instead, we are more driven by what our hearts truly want. Acknowledging our inevitable, approaching death offers us the opportunity to find greater purpose and satisfaction in the time we have remaining.

‘Why didn’t I just do what I wanted? Why did I let him rule me? Why wasn’t I strong enough?’ were questions I heard repeatedly. She was so angry with herself for not having found the courage. Her children confirmed the hard life she had experienced and their hearts went out to her, as did mine. ‘Don’t you ever let anyone stop you doing what you want, Bronnie,’ she said. ‘Promise that to this dying woman, please.’ I promised, and went on to explain how I was fortunate to have an amazing mother who had taught me independence by example. ‘Look at me now,’ Grace continued. ‘Dying. Dying! How can it be possible I have waited all of these years to be free and independent and now it’s too late?’ There was no denying this was tragic—and a memory that would accompany me into the future, constantly reminding me to live my own way.

Sitting in her bedroom, dotted with sentimental artefacts and photos of her family, Grace explained that she wasn’t against marriage, not at all. She thought it could be a beautiful thing and a great opportunity to grow, through shared learning. What she was against was the doctrine of her generation: that you had to stay in a marriage regardless of anything. And so she had, all the while forfeiting her own happiness. She had dedicated her life to her husband, who had taken her love for granted.

Now that she was dying, she didn’t care what people thought of her and anguished over why she hadn’t worked this out sooner. Grace had kept up appearances and lived the way others expected her to, only now realising the choice to do so had always been her own and was based on fear. Although I offered support, including the need to forgive herself, the fact that it was now all too late continued to overwhelm her.

Those words from Grace, filled with anguish, despair and frustration, were echoed by several others I also came to meet. Of all of the regrets and lessons shared with me as I sat beside their beds, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common of all. It was also the one that caused the most frustration, as the client’s realisation came too late.

‘I mean it. Promise this dying woman that you will always be true to yourself, that you will be brave enough to live the way you want to, regardless of what other people say.’ The lace curtains blew softly, allowing the day outside to enter the bedroom, as we looked at each other with love, clarity, and determination. ‘I promise, Grace. I am already trying to, but I promise you now that I will always continue to do so,’ I replied with heartfelt truth. Holding my hand she smiled knowing that at least her learning wasn’t going to be totally wasted.

‘Live true to your own heart, darling. Don’t ever worry what others think. Promise me, Bronnie,’ her voice now a barely audible whisper. ‘I promise you, Grace,’ I said gently. Squeezing my hand she drifted off to sleep, waking again only for brief moments to acknowledge her lovely family who then sat by her bedside until the end. Within a few hours, Grace drifted off. Her time had come. Sitting quietly in the kitchen afterwards, my promise to her was still fresh in my ears. It was not just Grace I had made the promise to. It was also to myself.

We are all fairly malleable, bendable creatures. While we have the choice to think for ourselves and free will to live the way our hearts desire, our environment has a huge effect on us all, particularly when we start choosing life from a more conscious perspective.

‘Well,’ I tried to reason. ‘You have done what you intended. You are leaving them with a comfortable life. You have provided for them as you wanted to.’ A solitary tear ran down his cheek. ‘But they don’t know me. They don’t know me.’ I looked at him lovingly. ‘And I want them to,’ he said, as the tears started to flow. I sat in silence as he cried.

I made a clear decision in the park there by the beach. I was not going to find myself ever regretting things as dear Jozsef had. It was time to be more courageous and to start expressing my feelings more.

‘We must learn to express our feelings now,’ Jude emphasised. ‘Not when it is too late. None of us ever know when it will be too late. Tell people you love them. Tell them you appreciate them. If they can’t accept your honesty or react in a different way to how you hoped, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you have told them.’

Even though expressing her love for Edward had ruined her relationship with her mother, Jude reinforced being glad she’d had the courage to be honest. Not only did it allow her to know the fullness of love she and Edward still shared, she was peaceful knowing she had been true to her own heart. It also showed her how much she was under the control of her parents until then, particularly her mother. If a relationship is based on control, she said, how can the other person ever have a truly healthy relationship with that person anyway? If this was the only kind of relationship on offer, she decided she was better off without it.

‘It is about having the right friends for the right occasion I suppose,’ Elizabeth pondered. ‘I simply don’t have the right friends for this occasion, for my departure. Do you know what I mean?’ Agreeing, I shared with her that while it was not at all such a serious scenario as her situation, I had a very clear memory of such an occasion for me: missing the right friends for the right occasion. Because of this memory, I could definitely understand that there are different levels of friendships and associations, and sometimes it is a specific quality of friendship we yearn for, rather than just anyone.

‘Don’t lose touch with the friends you value most, Bronnie. Those who accept you as you are, and who know you very well, are worth more than anything in the end. This is a woman speaking from experience,’ she insisted lightly, smiling at me through her pain. ‘Don’t let life get in the way. Just always know where to find them and let them know you appreciate them in the meantime. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable either. I wasted precious time not letting them all know what a mess I was.’ Elizabeth had forgiven herself and was able to let go of her own judgement. She had found her peace and she had found her friends.

‘It’s not enough, my dear girl. You are doing just what others do. Surely you have learnt by now that you must take time out for you too. Find some balance and make time for your friends regularly. Do it for yourself even more than for them. We need our friends.’ Harry looked at me sternly with a look of warning, but we both knew there was love behind his insistence.

As I came back into her room early one evening she declared, ‘I wish I’d let myself be happier. What a miserable person I have been. I just didn’t think I deserved to be happy. But I do. I know that now. Laughing with you this morning, I realised that there was no need at all to feel guilty for being happy.’

‘Don’t worry about the little stuff. None of it matters. Only love matters. If you remember this, that love is always present, it will be a good life.’ His breathing was changing, making it harder for him to talk.

It is a pity that being who we truly are requires so much courage, but it does. It takes enormous courage at times. Being who we are, whoever that is, sometimes cannot even be articulated at first, even to ourself. All we know is there is a yearning within that is not being fulfilled by the life we are currently living. Having to explain this to others, who have not walked in our shoes, may just leave us questioning ourself further.

There were many other clients in between those mentioned. This regret—wishing they had been true to themselves—was the most common one of all.

The clock ticks for every one of us. It is our own choice how we spend our remaining days.

Life is over so quickly. Some of us will live a long life. Many of us won’t. But if we can know happiness and fulfilment in this brief time, there is no need for regret when the end comes, as it inevitably will.

Learning how to express feelings is unfortunately a challenge for too many adults. It is also a deep frustration and regret for dying people, including Jozsef. He wanted to express himself, but didn’t know how. He’d had no practice. The heartache this brought to the lovely man was his greatest regret. He died feeling like his family had never truly known him.

We can never know how long we are here for, or how long those we love will be. Rather than live with regrets before our dying time, we can ensure those we value know how we feel now. As dear Jude said, guilt is a toxic emotion. Expressing our feelings feels good too, once we get used to it.

The peace each of these dear people found before their passing is available now, without having to wait until our final hours. We have the choice to change our life, to be courageous and to live true to our heart, one that will see us die and live without regret.