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“Are you ready?” I ask him, smiling when he turns around wearing his own smile. His happiness lights up the room and my heart. He’s missing his two front teeth, his eyes are a baby blue just like his father, and his hair is a mixture of blond like me.
When Dylan’s coach called me two weeks ago to tell me that he enrolled him in a hockey camp, my heart immediately sank because I knew no matter how many days I ate ramen noodles, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Then he told me the best news; it was all paid for through the Justin Stone Foundation. When I told Dylan about it, the smile and excitement on his face was everything. I knew I would eat all the ramen noodles in the world just to see him that happy.
“Are you Justin Stone?” Dylan asks from beside me, and the man smiles, which makes his brown eyes turn just a touch lighter and golden. His hand drops from mine, and he squats down in front of Dylan. “I am Justin Stone, and who are you?” he asks, his plump lips making me stare. He has to be the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life.
He gives the kids high-fives, and then he looks up at me. When our eyes meet, he just smiles, and I have to look away because my heart just started to beat faster. “Let’s go get you set up,” I say to Dylan and rush out of the room and away from the man with the brown eyes.
My eyes follow her as she walks away from me as if I’m in a trance. The minute I pulled up and got out of my car, my eyes went to her as she walked with his hand in hers. I almost jogged to make sure I would get to the door so I could hold it open for her. I was only planning to help her, but then she looked up and her green eyes knocked me back and made my chest tight.
“Thank you so much for sitting with him.” “Not a problem, Caroline,” I say, and my heart starts to beat a bit faster. I want to pull her in for a hug, but instead, I put my hand in my pocket.
When he throws his head back and laughs, my thoughts immediately wonder what it would be like to lean over and kiss his neck, right below his ear. I shake my head, making the image go away. Don’t go there.
It’s fucking insane that I have this pull to her. It’s because of Dylan, I keep telling myself. You are drawn to the kid.
So many things are going through my mind that I don’t know where to start. “This is either the best thing ever, or it’s going to blow up in my face,” I tell the universe while I make my plan for the next day.
I follow Caroline outside, ignoring the fact that the yoga pants mold her ass like a second skin and should be worn with a long shirt to cover it. I wonder to myself if I have a jacket in the car, and then I almost stop in my tracks. What is happening to me?
I’m doing this because I want to and because I can. I’m doing this because sometimes people come into your life for certain reasons. I don’t always know what that reason is, but I know that I want to be your friend, Caroline. And as your friend, this is what people do.”
I try to make a joke but see that her eyes are filling with tears, and it kills me to see her cry. “Don’t,” I say softly, and my hand flies out to touch her face and catch the tear that falls out of her eye. “Don’t cry.” Her skin is soft like silk, and I want nothing more than to pull her to me.
I walk away, and when my hand touches the door handle, she speaks. “Thank you,” she says softly, and I turn back to see her standing there with her hands in front of her. “I don’t know what your reason is, but I want to just say thank you.” “You’re welcome, Caroline,” I say to her softly, and my heart speeds up. This tiny woman who comes at me with guns blazing and ready to go to war doesn’t even know how much she is worth.
I have to wipe away a tear, and when Justin looks at me, I look down and try not to let him see. He’s never had new equipment before. He’s never had anything that was brand new and his own. Everything from his clothes to his shoes have always been secondhand.
Turning, I start to walk out of the room and then remember Justin needs to get his lunch, but when I turn around, I run smack into his hard chest. I know it’s him because it smells exactly like him. His hands catch my arms to steady me, and I breathe in and out, which makes it worse since now his smell is all around me. “Um,” I start to say, and then I look up, and his brown eyes are dark with just a little gold on the inside. “You forgot your lunch,” I say softly, and he smiles a big megawatt smile. It’s a smile that lights up his whole face like you would when you win a race or, in his case,
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Sooner or later, you are going to see that you deserve better than this.” She looks at me and smiles sadly. “The only one who deserves better than this is Dylan, which is why I bust my ass to make sure none of this touches him.” “That is where you are wrong,” I say. “You.” I want to step into her space, but instead, I point at her. “You deserve it also.
“This has to stop,” she says when she turns to me. “You can’t just come here and give me lifts and buy us stuff.” “Why?” I ask, and I have to think she is the proudest person I have ever met. “Because you just can’t.” “What if I want to?” I say softly. “What if I want to take you to dinner?” I ask. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she says. “I don’t care,” I finally say, and she looks at me in shock. “I don’t care what is a good idea and what isn’t. What I care about is that I want to get to know you, and I want you to give me a chance.” “You just feel sorry for me,” she says, trying not to
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I put my hands on my face, and the tears that I kept at bay start to fall. This time, though, they’re not tears of sadness or despair but tears of happiness. I wipe my eyes, and when I’m finally calmer, I walk out quietly just as the meeting finishes. I smile at some of the people walking out. I push open the church door, and the sun hits my face, and for the first time in a long time, I look up and smile.
“I’ve never been here. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than for her to sit down with me and tell me everything. I want her to know that I don’t want to solve her problems but to help be by her side.”
“How in are you?” I think about my answer just as I’ve been thinking about this whole thing for the past couple of days, and that is what it has been … a couple of days. But just the thought of not seeing her hurts my heart. The thought of going a day without her makes it almost hard to breathe. “I’m all in.”
“Who is this?” the man finally asks. It’s almost as if he’s accusing us of something. I want to step in front of Caroline, but before I can do that, she speaks up. “He’s nobody, and he was just leaving.” Her voice comes out strong and firm. I look at her. “Thank you for bringing Dylan home. We’ll see you tomorrow.” And just like that, my heart breaks for the woman who I thought was mine.
With my eyes closed, I think about the only thing I have been thinking about all night. Justin. His face, the hurt in his eyes, the way my chest hurt when he walked away. I put up walls for this reason. I put up walls so I don’t have this pain anymore.
“I said I would help you, and I keep my word.” He looks at Dylan, who is getting in the SUV as though he’s always been doing it. “It’s not my place to say anything, but he deserves better.” He takes off his hat and scratches his head. “You both do.”
This woman is going to push me to be like Matthew, I think. Suddenly, everything that he’s ever done makes so much sense.
“I want to kiss you,” I say, waiting to see if she says or does anything, and when her eyes only widen, I continue. “I want to take you into my arms, put my hands on your face, and kiss the ever-loving shit out of you.” “Oh, my,” she says, “I think I need water.” “I want to sit with you and learn everything about you. I don’t care what you wear.” I lean in, and her breath hitches, and her tongue pokes out to lick her lips. “Although I have to say that seeing you wear my clothes is putting me in a very difficult position.”
“Mom,” Dylan calls from the back seat, and I turn around. “I really like him.” “Yeah, baby,” I say, looking back to the front. “Me, too,” I say quietly under my breath.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” I say, almost as if I’m asking her for permission. “In my whole life, I’ve never wanted anything so badly.” She puts her hands around my wrists, her fingers not touching, and she takes the one step closer to me. “After everything I’ve been through, I think this is what my reward should be. If only for one kiss,” she whispers. She gets on her tippy toes just a bit, and it’s like a magnetic pull. My hands move from her face to the bottom of her neck, and her hair slips between my fingers. My heart is beating so fast and so loud that I wonder if she’ll hear
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I look up at the ceiling, and for the first time in my life, I pray that in the end we both get what we need and what we want.
“Caroline, there is something here,” he says softly. “You can pretend it’s not, but tonight when I kissed you.” His voice goes even lower. “It was everything.” “I just don’t think …” All these reasons are there, practically written on the wall, yet nothing comes out of my mouth. “Stop thinking,” he says. “Tomorrow, I’ll come get you guys. We can go out for breakfast before work, and then you let me spoil you by making you dinner and taking care of you for once. Come over and sit down. I’ll get you some wine if that will help,” he says, chuckling, and I laugh also just a little. “Come on,
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I wash my face with cold water, hoping that it’ll make the sting of tears go away. “It’s just temporary,” I say to myself while I dab my face with the towel. “Soon enough, he’ll move on.” I have to prepare myself for it, but my heart, my heart is left unprotected for the first time.
“You look beautiful,” I say, and she turns again to look at me, but the sun is in her face, so she squints, closing one eye. “Every single day, I don’t think you can look more beautiful.” I close in on her, and now my frame blocks the sun from her face. “But every day I’m wrong.” I lean in and kiss her lips softly.
“Stone family vacation is coming straight to you, Justin.” Her laughing never stops. “Hope she’s ready for us.” I don’t bother answering her because I really hope she is ready for what my family brings to the table.
I look over at him, laughing. He just leans forward and kisses me on the lips as if he’s been doing it forever. I look over at Dylan to see if he saw, and he is just licking away at his ice cream. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers, his face close to mine. All I can do is smile at him, and he kisses me again. “Everyday even more.”
I don’t want you to walk on eggshells when you’re here.” I smile at her. “Hopefully, you’ll want to be here a lot.” “It’s just that …” she starts, and I hold up my hand. “They’re just things,” I say. “Things that are pretty but can be replaced. But you here, sitting on that couch eating chips …” I smile, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I would buy ten couches just to see that.”
“You’re a great mom,” I say. “The best mom.” I walk to her. “But you’re also my woman, and I’m going to take care of you.” “Your woman?” she asks. “Yeah, I know.” I smile. “I admit that Matthew used to walk around all the time claiming Karrie as his woman, and I never understood it. I mean, my father loves my mother with everything he has. He literally won’t eat if she’s not at the table beside him.” She looks at me. “Let me help you. You have all these balls in the air, and it’s okay if you let me catch them.” “I’ve been doing this all by myself for the past eight years,” she says. “I just …”
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“From this moment on, you can go in the fridge, the pantry, or the bathroom. You can go take a nap in my bedroom. Please do whatever you want to do. I want you to feel at home.” I want to shake her, but more than anything, I want her to smile more. I want her to laugh more. I want her to do all these things, and I want to be the reason she does.
“Thank you for having dinner with me,” he whispers right before his lips crash down on mine, and I open my mouth for him. I wrap my arms around his neck, for the first time admitting that I want this kiss more than anything. I also admit I really like this guy. I also push away the thoughts of what is going to be left of me when he moves on.
I look up, and it’s the wrong thing to do because he makes me want to take all the leaps. He makes me want to do all these things I said I would never do. He makes me want all the tomorrows. He makes me want it all, and I know that even if I guard myself, I’ll fall for him, and I’m not sure I can survive him leaving.
“Letting you in isn’t what I’m worried about anymore,” I say, and it’s the truth. “It’s about surviving after.” “You’ll never know unless you take that chance,” he says, and I have to avert my eyes. “I’ve never had anyone in my house before.” I look at him with shock all over my face. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated. But here”—he points at the floor—“this is mine, and I wasn’t about to bring anyone in here that I didn’t think deserved to be here.” “You’ve known me a week,” I say. “And I would have brought you here the day I met you,”
“Let me help you find someplace that is safe for you and for Dylan.” “Justin, I can’t let you do that,” I say. “I can’t let you just …” “Let me be the one who protects you for once.” His hands rub the backs of my legs. “Let me be the one who holds your hand for once.” “You really are that perfect person,” I say, leaning down to kiss his lips. “Not even close,” he whispers, “but with you, I want to be as perfect as I can be.”
The beginning of the day, I thought I was done, that there was no light at the end of my tunnel. Yet I’m sitting in a room that is all light and no darkness. I don’t know what else is going to come, but I’m suddenly not afraid of the dark.
My hands go to her face, and I kiss her with everything that I have. I kiss her, knowing it could have been the last time. I kiss her, promising her everything that I have to give. I kiss her as a vow to protect and treat her like she should be treated.
I wrap my arms around her, and she lays on my chest. With her head on my chest, her hand on my chest, her in my arms, and Dylan beside me, I know this is where I was always meant to be.
I turn to the side, and Caroline drapes her arm over my stomach and looks up at me. “This has to be the best night I’ve had since I gave birth to Dylan,” she says softly. “Thank you for giving us this.” “For you two,” I say. “Anything.”
The whole night was a dream. Coming home after this morning, I didn’t think I would be able to think of anything else. But here with Justin, he made me look at things differently.
He walks us to his room and puts his knee on the bed and slowly lowers me. My hands loosen their hold of him, and just like that, his lips are on mine again. The kisses are everything you dream of. When you’re a little girl and you read all the fairy tales about the handsome prince coming to save you, this is what you dream the kisses are. This is what you dream would happen.
“Everything,” he says, and my eyes close at the sound of his soft voice. “Everything about you is perfect.” I shiver at his words. His mouth is on mine again, and this time, I’m the aggressive one. I can’t get enough of him. I want to touch all of him. Whatever the future holds, all I want is this moment right here. It’s a moment that when I’m seventy and talking to my grandkids, I’ll tell them about this man who became my prince for a short while.
“Sweetheart, come and eat,” he says, and I look over at him. His eyes fly from the pizza to mine, and he smiles at me. At first, it starts off as a smirk and then his whole face lights up. I take it into my memory, and I know that I’ll remember this moment for years to come.
I open my arms for him to give me a hug. “You grew,” I say, kissing his head and smelling the fresh scent he has now. “Soon you’re going to be taller than me.” “Yeah, and then I can take care of you,” he says, putting his head back. “And you won’t have to worry anymore.” I push his hair back and try not to cry. “The only thing I worry about is you being happy,” I say. “Nothing else matters.” “I like Justin,” he says. “A lot.” “Yeah, he’s pretty awesome,” I whisper. “Is it okay if I love him?” he asks in a soft, scared voice. “Just because I love him doesn’t mean I love my dad less.” “Baby,” I
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“Am I in love?” I ask the mirror, and I don’t know why I’m surprised when it doesn’t answer me back. I knew I liked him; well, I knew I liked him a lot.
