Firekeeper's Daughter

by Angeline Boulley

I don’t recall thinking about my uncle today. Does that mean my grief is shrinking? Will there come a day when Lily isn’t part of my everyday thinking? Grief is a cruel and sneaky bastard. You love a person and then they’re gone. Past tense. You forget them for an hour, a day, a week. How is that even possible? It happens because memories are fickle; they can fade.

That sometimes my community disappoints me in ways too complicated to process,

“Do you ever have days where every different emotion seems to cling to you and it’s just … too much?”

If you knew it was the last time you were going to see someone, would you say something profound? Would you share how much they meant to you? Would you ask any burning questions? Would you ask for forgiveness? Would you thank them?

She is a woman who is complex and sometimes exhausted, but mostly brave. She loves imperfect people fiercely.

It’s okay to listen to what people say and only hold on to the parts that resonate with you. It’s okay to leave the rest behind. Trust yourself to know the difference.”

“It’s hard when someone says they love you, but they need to contain and control the things that make you you.”

‘Love honors your spirit. Not just the other person’s but your own spirit too.’ ”

“Honor your spirit. Love yourself.”

“If I’m in limbo, it’s because I chose to remain there. Even inaction is a powerful choice.”

I’m reminded that our Elders are our greatest resource, embodying our culture and community. Their stories connect us to our language, medicines, land, clans, songs, and traditions. They are a bridge between the Before and the Now, guiding those of us who will carry on in the Future.

We honor our heritage and our people, those who are alive and those who’ve passed on. That’s important because it keeps the ones we lose with us.

I loved GrandMary and I know she loved me. Correction—I love her, and she loves me. When our loved ones die, the love stays alive in the present.

My girl, some boats are made for the river and some for the ocean. And there are some that can go anywhere because they always know the way home.