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Himpathy
In general, I think of misogyny as being a bit like the shock collar worn by a dog to keep them behind one of those invisible fences that proliferate in suburbia. Misogyny is capable of causing pain, to be sure, and it often does so. But even when it isn’t actively hurting anyone, it tends to discourage girls and women from venturing out of bounds. If we stray, or err, we know what we are in for.
misogyny may be a purely structural phenomenon, perpetuated by social institutions, policies, and broader cultural mores.
Misogyny takes down women, and himpathy protects the agents of that takedown operation, partly by painting them as “good guys.”
Erasure is a form of oppression, the refusal to see.
When it comes to himpathy, herasure, and victim blaming, there’s no shortage of possibilities.
And so we see that, for boys and men—especially those endowed with privilege—being held accountable for misogynistic behavior is often the exception, not the rule, even in rape cases. Meanwhile, for many girls and women, particularly those who are oppressed along other axes—race, class, sexuality, and disability, for starters—not only does their rapist or abuser often go unpunished; the women themselves may be punished for protesting this injustice.
The question thus becomes: Why, and how, do we regard many men’s potentially hurt feelings as so important, so sacrosanct? And, relatedly, why do we regard women as so responsible for protecting and ministering to them?
Women who seek help are less likely than men to be taken seriously when they report pain and are less likely to have their pain adequately treated.
Why is the default to trust women in some contexts but not others (as closely related as these may be)? A plausible explanation in this instance is that women are regarded as more than entitled (indeed obligated) to provide care, but far less entitled to ask for and receive it.
Then, when it comes to the well-being of the children who are her charges, she will often be regarded as at least as trustworthy as her male counterpart. But when she is the patient who is in pain—and asking for nurture, rather than giving it—she will tend to be regarded with much more suspicion and, sometimes, consternation. She will hence be in for dismissive, skeptical, and even contemptuous reactions.40
The deeper problem here may be the sense that a woman is not entitled to ask for care for her own sake, or for its own sake—simply because she is in pain, and because that pain matters.
Invisible Women, Caroline Criado
The evidence that women are being let down by the medical establishment is overwhelming. The bodies, symptoms and diseases that affect half the world’s population are being dismissed, disbelieved and ignored.
When women are mentioned, they are presented as if they are a variation on standard humanity.
There are evidently many men who feel entitled to regulate pregnant bodies without having the remotest idea about, or interest in learning, how they work.
Then, once a mother, she is always a mother—held disproportionately responsible for the emotional, material, and moral needs of those around her, in ways that extend well beyond being overtasked with the care of her own children. She is to be a mother to others too: a giver of succor and soothing, of nurture and love and attention.
For when pregnancies are policed, it is predominantly poor and nonwhite women who are liable to pay for it—and not only with respect to access to abortion.
there is a prevalent sense of entitlement on the part of privileged men to regulate, control, and rule over the bodies of girls and women—cisgender and trans alike.
Equality is elusive, even in the supposedly egalitarian U.S. context.
Emotional labor encompasses, among other things, the keeping track and anticipatory work that so often falls to women:
In a recent guide to emotional labor pitched to a male audience, the concept received the following definition: Free, invisible work women do to keep track of the little things in life that, taken together, amount to the big things in life: the glue that holds households, and by extension, proper society, together.
I carry in my mind exhaustive lists of all types, not because I want to, but because I know no one else will.14
Emotional labor also encompasses the work of managing the feelings around these kinds of tasks: not ruffling a male partner’s feathers, for example, by pointing out that he has done something badly, and avoiding asking for too much of his “help” or “support” within a household. As a result, many women face a potent double bind: Don’t ask, and you’ll be saddled with far more than your fair share of material, domestic, and emotional labor. Do ask, and you’ll be violating the implicit social code that tells women to keep the peace, nurture others, and not be too demanding.
Asking, and asking in the right way, is an additional layer of labor. Delegating, in many situations, requires repeating requests, which is often perceived as nagging. Sometimes it is simply not worth the effort of asking again and again, and continually asking in the right tone (and still risking being called a nag). So I do the task myself.
She described her subsequent anger at the “compilation of years and years of slowly taking on the role of the only person in our household who cared.”
mothers who work long hours have husbands who sleep more and watch lots of television.”
Part of the reason why men get away with doing so little may be that, as recent research suggests, women in heterosexual couples are held to higher standards than their mates.
When a woman internalizes her putative obligations to care for others at the expense of herself, there is affective as well as behavioral fallout. She is likely to feel guilt and shame for holding a male partner accountable—and, as Lockman points out, to feel an excessive sense of gratitude toward him, even for falling far short of fairness.35
I’m more the mother I want to be. By taking care of myself, I become a better caretaker.36 Progress though this may be, there is something sad about the framing here. A woman is entitled to more than just “help” or “support” from a male partner. And she is entitled to as much rest and leisure time as he is for her own sake, not just for the sake of becoming a better caregiver.37
If the truth is not our property, then neither is authority.
when it comes to climate change, conservative white men feel particularly entitled to their opinion, however incorrect, to the effect that what is happening is not happening.34 (Such denial of basic realities is in some respects the attempted gaslighting of the planet.) So
“You can disagree with someone without wanting to silence them,” Kinnersly added, sensibly.38 Well, I assume you can, dear reader. But not everyone is so capable.
But when it comes to the question of who is deemed entitled to hold power, women are subject to marked disadvantages under many (though not all) circumstances.
And given that defeating Donald Trump in the 2020 election is, for many of us, a maximally urgent political imperative, it would be reckless to disregard the evidence about the difficulties women face in getting elected, at least as compared with their privileged male counterparts. We need to establish how strong this evidence is, and to ask whether or not these difficulties are likely to be insuperable.
But social psychologists have speculated that there’s something about women who seek the highest positions of power and the most masculine-coded authority positions that people continue to find off-putting.
We must make room for different ways of manifesting communal moral virtues.
“She’s electable if you f***ing vote for her.”
We expect too much from women. And when a woman we like or respect disappoints us, even in minor and forgivable ways, she is liable to be punished—often by people who think they have the moral high ground, and are merely reacting to her as she deserves, rather than helping to enact misogyny via moralism. Meanwhile, no such perfection is demanded of her male rivals.
When a man and a woman clash, she is the one who is venomous and sneaky.
After all, electability isn’t a static social fact; it’s a social fact that we’re constantly, and collectively, in the process of constructing.
I increasingly feel the need to keep fighting, regardless of the outcome. Hope, to me, is a belief that the future will be brighter,
So what do I want my daughter to know, when it comes to what she is entitled to? I want my daughter to know that she is entitled to feel pain—be it physical or emotional—and that she is subsequently entitled to cry out or ask for help, and to be cared for, soothed, nurtured. I want her to know that she is entitled to be believed about her physical and emotional needs, and that she is as worthy of care—medical and otherwise—as any other person.
I want her to know that she is entitled to bodily autonomy—to
I want my daughter to know that she is entitled—and sometimes obligated—to speak her mind and to speak out against injustice, even if it makes some of the people around her uncomfortable. I want her to know that she is entitled to speak, period.
I want her to know that it’s not her job to tailor truths about her body or mind to suit other people’s feelings—including ours, as her parents.
I want my daughter to know that she is entitled to be angry, sad, anxious, or simply uncertain.
I want my daughter to know that she is entitled to be powerful and, on occasion, to compete with other people, including privileged boys and men.
I want her to feel entitled to make mistakes, moral mistakes included. I want her to know, unlike so many girls and women, that she is lovable and forgivable, even if and when she falters.
Together, we must fight for a world in which girls and women are valued, cared for, and believed, within our social, legal, and medical institutions. Together, we must fight for a world in which the bodies of girls and women are not routinely controlled, sexualized, harassed, assaulted, and injured—or even destroyed altogether. Together, we must fight for a world in which every girl or woman is safe and free to be her own person, rather than consigned to be predominantly a human giver of the sex, care, and love to which privileged boys and men are tacitly deemed entitled.