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When pain is over, the remembrance of it often becomes a pleasure. -Anne Elliot, Jane Austen’s PERSUASION
I’ve never understood why the heart always reacts. A shot of adrenaline is all it takes, triggered by a thought. A word. A memory. And every time the reaction is singular, a fingerprint of a moment. Sometimes it’s a flutter, a flicker of wings in your chest. Others, it’s a relentless vise that stops the beat, if only for a second. It might be a hot burn, spreading like wildfire in your ribs, or an icy cold space, empty and void. But the heart always reacts. Even after seven years, just hearing his name inspired any of those reactions or a dozen more. And there was one every single time.
In an hour, my world had been brought to a stop. In five hours, it would begin to turn backward, back to my past, back to the boy I loved. The boy I ruined.
It felt like yesterday. It felt like another lifetime. It felt like I relived the moment every single day.
I didn't know how to walk away from my life. And my biggest regret, my biggest shame, was that I wasn't brave enough to do it anyway.
if it happened before I came back, I would never have had her at all, never called her my wife. Never placed the ring on her finger and told her I'd love her until my last breath. And that was the one thing, the only thing I wanted before I died.
I don't want to leave, go to war, live," (Die) "without you. I can't. While I exist in this universe, I want you tied to me in a way that's unbreakable. Undeniable. And I know what you want — you told me last night. I know you want me, want this, just as much as I do. So just make the choice. It's easy."
At the time, I felt like she'd abandoned me, that she'd broken the promise she'd made. That she'd left me the second she put that ring in my hand. I just didn't realize it was me who had forced her to take it off, not until much later. Not until it was too late.
I'd been wrong, so wrong, and I hated myself for giving her an ultimatum, for pushing her away. I'd lost her because of my fear. I could have had it all, if I'd only been more brave. If I'd only given her what she'd asked for.
By the time the war was over, it was too late. It didn't matter that I wished I hadn't gone silent. Because by the time I realized my mistake, it was too big, the distance too far, the wrongs I'd done too deep and wide to breech. My regret was infinite. And that regret had made me lonely. Angry. It had changed me, twisted me into the man I was now. And now … now it was impossible to see a way back. I told her now or never, and that mistake would haunt me until the day I died.
And when you think That you have found Your feet planted firmly And your heart sound That is when the moment You trip, Fall, And hit the ground.
There's no going back." "Then go forward." I shook my head, looking away. "It's not that easy." "Sometimes it's exactly that easy." I blinked at him, hearing echoes of Elliot's voice, wondering for the first time if I should take my own advice.
"Because there are reasons, valid reasons, and I'm not so self-important as to think that I'm above their feelings."
It sounds like you're saying that because I don't stand up to them that I'm weak. But here's the thing — there's no point. Arguing will not change their behavior, and it helps no one, especially not me. I don't suffer very often because I don't let them hurt me. My being present is a choice. My enduring their judgment is a choice. My choice, and therein lies my power.
In the darkness In the cold grip of night When the light disappears And the shadows swallow the sharp edges This is where The truth lies.
I could give him time if he loved me. I could withstand the push and pull if he loved me. I would give him anything if he loved me.
You are loved and cared for, with or without me. So please, don't break or bend. Don't crumble and fall. Stand up tall and face the sun and remember me."
Life is short, so short, so precious, every minute, every day. Don't let the people you love, the people who make you happy, the people who bring you joy — don't let them go. Hang on to them, even when it hurts. When it seems impossible. Hold on to the things that breathe life into you. Listen to your soul and honor what it tells you. Live. Fight for what you love. Because one day, you'll be where I am, and in that moment I want you to look back gladly, with no regrets."
"I need you," he whispered. "I love you," he breathed. "I'm sorry," he begged.
"I'm yours," I sighed, and he kissed me again, his heart broken and singing and flying into the sun.
"I have been unfair and unjust. I've been resentful and angry. I've been so many things I'm ashamed of, but the one constant is that I've always been in love with you." He met my eyes, pinning me down as he so easily could. I was his, irrefutably. "You asked me why I came to you that night — it's because you have possessed my soul from the start. You were the only one … the only one who would understand, who could show me that there was love still in the world, in my heart."
