More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
April 2 - April 10, 2020
leaders who default to giving advice “resist feedback from others, are less likeable and are ineffective at developing others.”
In Drive, Daniel H. Pink is clear on the three drivers that actually motivate people: autonomy, mastery, and purpose.
Being told what to do—even with the best of intentions—signals that the advice-receiver is not really here for their ability to think, but only for their ability to implement someone else’s ideas.
the Advice Trap demotivates advice-receivers because they are not allowed to assume the responsibility and accountability that should be theirs.
Hard Change involves saying no to some of what’s worked so far for Present You. Saying no now enables you to say yes to the promise of future rewards. You’re playing a longer-term, harder, bigger game, with a constant temptation to opt out for a short-term win. You’re potentially changing your beliefs and values, roles and relationships, and how you show up in the world. It’s uncomfortable and it’s difficult. It’s also life-changing.
Tell-It is here to convince you that you were hired to have the answer; if you don’t have the answer, you’ve failed in your job. Having the answer is the only real way for you to add value, and the only way you’ll be recognized as a success.
Save-It’s tactic is to take you aside and explain, earnestly, that if it wasn’t for you holding it all together, everything would fail. Your job is to be fully responsible for every person, every situation, and every outcome. When in doubt, take it on yourself (and when not in doubt, take it on yourself).
No matter which of the Advice Monster’s three personas most struck a chord with you, all of them share DNA, a core belief you hold in that moment when your Advice Monster is loose:
You’re better than the other person.
I am saying that in those situations when your Advice Monster has seized the moment, and you’re telling others what to do, or you’re saving them from themselves, or you’re keeping control of the situation, the belief that’s behind those reactions is: I’m better than them.
Empathy doesn’t mean soft-hearted, soft-headed, or generally “touchy-feely.” It does mean being other-focused, being willing to understand what it means to walk their path.
Empathy gives you a deeper sense and understanding of what’s real for the other person.
It means that you’re less reactive to what goes on around you. You create that tiny pause between stimulation and response, a moment when you more actively choose how best to show up.
You spend less time in the thralls of your advice, because when that thing happens that can trigger you, you notice it triggering you, take a breath, and choose how to act.
Mindfulness means having a deeper sense and understanding of what’s real about ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Empathy: A greater sense of what’s real for the other person
Mindfulness: A greater sense of what’s real about the situation
Humility: A greater sense of what’s r...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Behaviour change is like this. Lots of small experiments and safe steps forward and back are the way to climb to
of
“I’m just going to stop you for a moment.” “I’m going to hold you there.”
Once they’ve stopped, say what you see: “I can hear there’s a lot going on. In the interest of time, I’m going to force the issue here.” Then, use the Focus Question to find out what’s really going on: “To get to the bottom line, what’s the real challenge here for you?”
We seem to have found the real challenge”—before asking the Foundation Question: “Now... how can I help? What do you want from me here?”
I find my most common pattern is to ask, “And what else?” twice, and then follow with a variation: “Is there anything else?” That final question offers the option of shutting the door on this line of inquiry, but also leaves it open should there be more to explore.
Utter small words of encouragement, such as uh-huh, yes, nice, great, lovely, excellent, right, spot-on.
“What was the high point of the last week for you?” You can deepen that by adding “... and the low point?”
Acknowledge how they might be feeling. It can be a simple phrase like, “That sounds hard/difficult/exciting.”
Nodding your head and raising your eyebrows quickly all signal enthusiasm and agreement.
Display shared symbols. At a Canadian bank, all employees wear a small green badge with the organization’s logo on it. That inherently creates a sense of Tribe.
Let them go first. A great phrase is, “I’ve got some thoughts, but before I share my ideas... what are your first thoughts?” Follow it up with “And what else?”
First, you can lift them up: “You’ll know this better than me...” “You’re best placed to understand this...”
Second, you can remove certainty and authority from your statements: “Here’s my best guess...” “I could be wrong, but let me suggest...” “I’m not sure if this will be helpful, but let me ask...”
Because coaching is an in-the-moment behaviour—stay curious a little longer, rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly—it is an everyday way of showing up in any interaction, any channel, any moment.
Hit Reply, acknowledge that there’s a lot going on here, and ask a question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?” perhaps.
“What do you want from me?”
If you have an agenda, turn each topic into a question.
If you’re having a meeting, it should be to celebrate something or to solve a problem. Ask, “What’s the real challenge here?” for each topic, so you get clear on what you’re trying to solve, and what data would be useful for solving it.
Finish the meeting by asking, “What was most useful or most val...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Coaching is the ongoing act of staying curious and, in doing so, enabling the other person to do the work, find the insight, uncover the solution.
Feedback is when you need to initiate the conversation to share your point of view on a situation: it didn’t go well (the most common version) or it did.
“delaying feedback briefly produces better long-term learning than [providing] immediate feedback.”
“reflection is a form of practice.”
after the event, ask yourself some questions and capture the answers.
You could take inspiration from the military’s After Action Review. There are three question clusters. First, “What was supposed to happen... what did happen... and why the gap?” Then, “What worked... and what didn’t work?” And finally, “What would you do differently next time?”
Tell-It is convinced that if you don’t tell them what to do, you’ll all fail. Save-It is sure that if you don’t take on responsibility for everyone and everything, you’ll all fail. Control-It knows that if you ever cease your endless vigilance and let go of your white-knuckle grip, all will succumb to chaos and everyone will fail.
Not as in admiring them from afar, but as in letting them know how they matter.
You speak to the person and acknowledge their qualities, beyond what they have and haven’t done.
You don’t need someone else to ask you coaching questions; you can ask them of yourself. The more opportunities you have to answer questions that make you think and create new insights about yourself and about the situation at hand, the better you become at being coached.
Learning to tone down the assuredness in the way you present your idea reduces pressure. It takes the pressure off them having to say yes. It takes the pressure off you for needing to have the idea that’s right, that’s best, that works.
