More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
June 26 - July 2, 2022
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. you can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz
Being told what to do—even with the best of intentions—signals that the advice-receiver is not really here for their ability to think, but only for their ability to implement someone else’s ideas.
Hard Change involves saying no to some of what’s worked so far for Present You. Saying no now enables you to say yes to the promise of future rewards. You’re playing a longer-term, harder, bigger game, with a constant temptation to opt out for a short-term win. You’re potentially changing your beliefs and values, roles and relationships, and how you show up in the world. It’s uncomfortable and it’s difficult. It’s also life-changing.
You engage in dysfunctional behaviour because it’s not all downside. You get some sort of benefit from the behaviour, an immediate small win, even if it’s not what you really want. It’s a short-term boost for Present You, even as you trade away the bigger win for Future You. These are #WinsNotWins.
Build out Future You, rather than tinkering with Present You.
With #WinsNotWins, you’re seeing what my friend Mark Bowden calls the “Prizes & Punishments” in every choice you make. There’s always a benefit and there’s always a cost. Present You gains short-term benefits from not changing, but misses out on Future You gains.
Tell-It is here to convince you that you were hired to have the answer; if you don’t have the answer, you’ve failed in your job. Having the answer is the only real way for you to add value, and the only way you’ll be recognized as a success.
Save-It’s tactic is to take you aside and explain, earnestly, that if it wasn’t for you holding it all together, everything would fail. Your job is to be fully responsible for every person, every situation, and every outcome. When in doubt, take it on yourself (and when not in doubt, take it on yourself).
Control-It. This is the most tricksy of the three. It’s a backroom operator, and with a tone of gentle authority will assure you that the only way to succeed is to stay in control at all times. At. All. Times. It convinces you that everything is controllable, so long as you’re in charge.
No matter which of the Advice Monster’s three personas most struck a chord with you, all of them share DNA, a core belief you hold in that moment when your Advice Monster is loose: You’re better than the other person.
Having an Advice Monster is part of the package deal of being human. In its own way, it’s trying to help. You can’t get rid of it. But you can tame it, so it’s less likely to have you behaving in a way that’s not helpful for you and not helpful for the other person you’re trying to guide.
Empathy: A greater sense of what’s real for the other person Mindfulness: A greater sense of what’s real about the situation Humility: A greater sense of what’s real about you
Coaching focuses on the process, not the outcomes.
Three Coaching Principles, which are foundational behaviours: Be Lazy Be Curious Be Often
The Kickstart Question: “What’s on your mind?” A perfect way to start many conversations. Both open and focusing at the same time.
The AWE Question: “And what else?” The best coaching question in the world—because their first answer is never their only answer, and rarely their best answer.
The Foundation Question: “What do you want?” This is where motivated and informed action best begins.
The Strategy Question: “If you’re saying Yes to this, what must you say No to?” Strategy is about courageous choice, and this question makes commitment and opportunity cost absolutely clear.
The Lazy Question: “How can I help?” The most powerful question to stop us from “rescuing” the other person. An alternati...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
The Learning Question: “What was most useful or valuable here for you?” Learning doesn’t happen when you tell them something, it happens ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Your job is to stop seeking the solutions and start finding the challenges.
From now on, frame your role as helping to find the real challenge. What this really means is being relentless: staying curious long enough to allow the other person to create the insight and space to reach the heart of the matter.
Your job is to make your coaching an everyday interaction.
The best advice comes from people who don’t give advice. Matthew McConaughey
Check in with “What’s on your mind?” If you have an agenda, turn each topic into a question. If you’re having a meeting, it should be to celebrate something or to solve a problem. Ask, “What’s the real challenge here?” for each topic, so you get clear on what you’re trying to solve, and what data would be useful for solving it. Finish the meeting by asking, “What was most useful or most valuable here for you?” It’s a chance to stop and articulate what was helpful about the meeting, and what you should do more of in the next meeting to make it even better.
Meetings
Coaching is the ongoing act of staying curious and, in doing so, enabling the other person to do the work, find the insight, uncover the solution. Feedback is when you need to initiate the conversation to share your point of view on a situation: it didn’t go well (the most common version) or it did.
The power of the status quo is strong. Dark Side strong.
Samuel Beckett put it succinctly enough, in his bleak way: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
We don’t rise to the occasion. We fall to the level of our training. Allegedly a US Navy SEAL slightly misquoting the Greek poet Archilochus
Generous silence provides space for the other person to be with their own self, for you to be with them, for presence to show up. It allows them to take a breath. It whispers, “This is an interesting place to be. Let’s hang out here for a moment.”
Rather than taking all the responsibility for making the conversation work, you point to what’s going on and ask them if that’s true for them as well. And if it is true for them, what shall we do about it? Generous transparency raises the TERA Quotient by increasing Tribe, Expectation, Rank, and Autonomy.
You speak to the person and acknowledge their qualities, beyond what they have and haven’t done. You shine a light on who they are. They’re courageous, indomitable, innovative, calm, willing to learn, relentlessly helpful, generous in spirit, willing to push, humble, optimistic, persistent, meticulous.
Generous Appreciation
Generous appreciation sees the person they are beyond the things they do.
you become a great coach by being willing to be coached.
