Roommaid

by Sariah Wilson

“What do you want to be?” Her question hit me hard, slamming against my chest so that it was difficult to catch my breath. It was such a simple question, but it suddenly felt cosmic and profound. “Do you know that you’re the first person in my life who has ever asked me that?”

I joined her sorority, and even though she was two years older than me, Shay became my best friend and closest confidant. She changed my life in so many ways, mainly by showing me that the things I wanted did matter and that I was strong enough to make my own choices. That it wasn’t normal for your parents to map out your entire life, not allowing you to have any say in it. She was always there for me, and I was grateful that her job kept her in Houston, nearby. It allowed us to stay close.

She had no idea how much our friendship meant to me, how much I relied on it. I told her I would call her soon.

I didn’t want appearances to matter more than anything else. Where it was fine if your marriage was falling apart as long as you put on a brave face and pretended like everything was normal.

“When I love something, I don’t do it halfway.” That made my heart twist painfully. No man had ever loved me the way he loved this dog.

I had read multiple diagnostic lists where the instructions would say something like a person is a narcissist if they meet six of these twelve requirements, and my mom would meet all twelve. Everything in our lives was about her, her feelings and wants; nobody else mattered.

She’d also been careful in grooming my two older sisters. If she told them to jump, they would always ask how high and what else she wanted them to do right after. I was the only one who had ever defied her.

Some part of me wanted so badly to believe that he had loved me the way that I had loved him. It was what made me give him chance after chance. Like I believed that if I were just patient and waited for him to stop being a moron, we really could end up happily ever after.

Until I finally understood that in addition to losing my family I’d also lost the one person who was always supposed to be on my side.

“I don’t want to be part of a team. I want to be in love.”

The city skyline looks amazing. You should see it at sunset. That view is one of my favorite things in the world.

girl could get used to a guy who made her feel like she could take over the world.

but at the same time how it seemed comfortable and familiar, like we were good friends just continuing an old conversation.

even when it’s hard, my classroom is where I feel the most like me. Like I’m finally the person I was meant to be.”

The secret is to have some knowledge to operate from and then get them talking about themselves. Which makes them like you more because you’re letting them do all the talking.”

“This is probably some psychological thing. Where you stood by while Brad treated you like garbage so you’re not willing to stand by and see someone you care about get treated the same way.”

“Sometimes you have to cross the line to see where it actually is.”

Tell the men in your life what is going on so that everybody can make their own decisions and move on to something better.”

I should have released him. Stepped back and put some distance between us. Not enjoyed his warmth and wanted to snuggle closer. Because this was, quite possibly, one of the best things that had ever happened to me and I didn’t want it to end.

“I definitely think we’ve reached the a-stranger’s-in-our-apartment-and-I’m-letting-you-know stage of our friendship. Right?”

You can be rude to people who aren’t respecting your boundaries.”

“Your personal life is nobody’s business and if they’re intrusive enough to demand answers about it, then they deserve to be shut down.

Just to know that there was some adult in my life who still cared about me.”

Small things but they made me feel special.

I think the great thing about abstract art is that there are no rules. It’s all about freedom of expression.”

This was the problem with Houston. It was supposed to be a big city, but it so often felt like a small town where I was

constantly running (or almost running) into people I did not want to see.

homey.

When you were raised a specific way, it was really hard to just let it go. “Most people don’t. Most women don’t.”

we always have a choice. I try to keep choosing the things that are right for me.

Like Tyler was moving past just being a friend and roommate and settling into a spot that felt more like family.

“Buying a Christmas tree together feels like a very couple-y thing to do. And then making plans to decorate it? With hot chocolate and mini marshmallows and Christmas music and a movie? You’ve basically been married for six years because everything you’re doing screams couple.”

By making me feel like I was never good enough for him, he had ensured that I spent all my time trying to change his mind.

But we’re supposed to grow up and be independent, right?

“How do you do that?” I asked. “Make me feel like everything’s going to be okay?” His mouth was against the top of my head and I both felt and heard his words. “Because everything is going to be okay.”