At the time, of course, I thought I was in love. I didn’t know it was a form of evasion. But it occurred to me years later that this was a convenient way to avoid ever actually dating anyone, or thinking seriously about my feelings. I didn’t realize I had feelings for another woman until my first girlfriend in college pursued me, and I had to come to terms with what I felt. It’s possible that, without her, I never would have allowed myself to desire anyone with awareness and serious intent. It takes the right circumstances, the right person for our own desires to out us to ourselves.
