Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs

by Faith G. Harper

So many people are afraid that expressing their boundaries will push others away or force others to act against their own will. Generally, the opposite is true. When we do not set and maintain boundaries, we end up resentful and withdrawn from relationships and that is what leads to their eventual breakdown.

There’s something all our brains are wired to do called the fundamental attribution error. When we mess up and violate someone else’s boundaries, we attribute our actions to the situation at hand (whether this is a reasonable justification or not). When other people mess up and violate our boundaries, we attribute it to them being a fundamentally terrible person.

So when the brain flags a boundary violation, it invokes a protective, survival-based response, tripping the switch to the sympathetic nervous system. And the sympathetic nervous system? The mechanism that triggers the fight/flight/freeze response.

we have a reaction with our bodies to what’s going on around us, even if the information never gets processed on a conscious level.

We work through our boundaries issues by paying attention to our gut reactions and longer-term responses to how people interact with us.

understanding our language patterns and making active changes in them will create better ways to negotiate the world, and better ways to recognize, uphold, and communicate boundaries.

Our feelings are completely our own, and we shouldn’t blame others for them. We can, however, ask them for different behaviors that better respect our boundaries.

The basic idea is that each exchange of verbal dialogue has four levels: 1) What we mean to say. You know, the actual idea you are trying to express. 2) What we actually say. If you are really good at saying only exactly what you mean at all times, I hope you write a book on your technique. For us regular humans, what we have in our minds and what comes out of our mouths is not always a solid match. 3) What the other person hears. Just because you said it doesn’t mean they heard it without any filter. 4) What the other person thinks you mean. Even if you said “anything for dinner is fine” and you meant anything for dinner is fine, your partner may think there is a hidden agenda, or other things going on beyond the words that actually came out of your mouth.

The pane of glass trick Are you stuck with motherfuckers who push every last button? One of the tricks I’ve found that has really helped me is to imagine a clear pane of glass between me and them. I can hear and see them, but their emotional bullshit stops at the glass. This is especially helpful for us Counselor Troi empath-type people. We can respond to the content of their words and actions without being emotionally drained by whatever forces are driving them.

And for those of us whose empathy leads us into doing more for others than we should (like rescuing, excusing, or caretaking that isn’t healthy in the long run for anyone involved) it

Recognize the boundary you hit and learn from it. If someone tells you no, they are setting a boundary. This is good information about them and your relationship with them.