Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs

by Faith G. Harper

Boundaries are about claiming your own space, not claiming other people’s space.

When we do not set and maintain boundaries, we end up resentful and withdrawn from relationships and that is what leads to their eventual breakdown.

Boundaries are designed to provide us safe passage through life, not as a mechanism of controlling every environment we are in and every person we interact with.

And honestly, being a rigid asshole is just as bad for us in the long run as letting someone stomp all over us.

Flexible boundaries mean paying attention in a proactive way instead of reacting from old patterns.

One caution as we look at these: There’s something all our brains are wired to do called the

fundamental attribution error. When we mess up and violate someone else’s boundaries, we attribute our actions to the situation at hand (whether this is a reasonable justification or not). When other people mess up and violate our boundaries, we attribute it to them being a fundamentally terrible person.

overall social hierarchy problems, screwed up attachment styles, high conflict personalities, and the perpetuation of coercive control.

Consent culture is the normalization of asking for consent for interaction with others. For being disappointed but not butthurt when someone says no. Consent culture at its highest level-up is when we don’t feel weird or embarrassed for establishing and respecting boundaries. Our current subcultural shift to consent culture means we are actively and intentionally changing our culture. And as we steer our own evolution, our laws and norms are starting to reflect these ideals.

If your past experiences have shown you that having your needs met is always a fight, then you are always primed to fight.

Coercive control refers to regular patterns of boundary violating behaviors that create fear-based compliance in someone.

You are looking for signs of control in their response. Someone being disappointed at being told no is totally normal. Someone being irritated or agitated at you not going along with their plan is a sign of a controlling personality. Do they argue the point? Do they try to force a “yes” rather than negotiate around your expectations?

We are creating cultural change here. Culture is everything we create, and we are engaging in the act of creation in a mindful, meaningful way.

The meta-message of aggressive communicators is “I’m cool and you’re a dumbass.”

The meta-message of passive communicators is “I’m a hot mess, but you’re totally cool, so you make the decisions for both of us.”

The meta-message of assertive communicators is “I’m cool and you’re totally cool, too. Even if we don’t agree.”

The biggest thing to remember here that it is a process. You may need to ask each other questions and keep figuring things out. You may have to clarify what you mean until it comes out right. The person you have had communication struggles with may resist the entire conversation (which means you have an entirely different issue). This ain’t easy shit.

Try this when communicating to someone else when you are all kinds of hacked off (or all kinds of thrilled, for that matter): I feel when you What I want is

Our feelings are completely our own, and we shouldn’t blame others for them. We can, however, ask them for different behaviors that better respect our boundaries.

Staying with ownership of your own feelings completely shifts away from the blame game.

A powerful tool for these situations is the BIFF Response—Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm—paired with avoiding the 3 As—Advice, Admonishment, and Apologies.

Boundary work can trigger shenpa just like any other situation. The hook, in this case, is feeling the need to justify a boundary we are setting. Or convince someone else to understand our boundary. Advocating for ourselves can feel really uncomfortable, and a lot of people get an urge to justify their self-advocacy.

Because we don’t feel comfortable with our own boundary and don’t want to upset the other person or have them think we’re being shitty, so we get into justification mode.

You need to apologize without justifying your behavior. For instance, “I’m sorry—I didn’t have any money for lunch so I took yours from the fridge,” is the opposite of an apology. It’s a justification. It’s doubling down against their hurt feelings.

we make amends unless doing so would cause the other person harm. And opening up someone’s healed wounds for our own sense of well-being is definitely a form of harm.

Beyond apologizing when needed and appropriate, it’s always more powerful to show change and work for change instead of telling people that you have changed.