Big Swiss

by Jen Beagin

OM: So they are. Remind me what else Switzerland is famous for. FEW: Cheese, chocolate. Suicide, I guess.

word

It’s like, yes, what happened to you is shitty, I’m not denying that, but why do you keep rolling around in your own shit?

word we hate pity parties

All I’m saying is that trauma doesn’t get you a lifelong get-out-of-jail-free card. It also doesn’t necessarily confer wisdom, or the right to pontificate, which I realize I’m doing right now.

@ men

OM: How has the… beating affected your relationships? FEW: It hasn’t. I’m here because I don’t have orgasms.

damn sorry gurl

OM: Would you describe your marriage as low-sex or sexless? FEW: I would describe it as mostly hand jobs and blow jobs. OM: How does that feel to you? FEW: It feels like a chore, but I also feel better afterward. It’s sort of like walking the dog and drinking wheatgrass at the same time.

LOLLLLL REAL

Then the entire bird is eaten—feet first, bones included—with a linen napkin draped over the person’s head, to retain the aromas and, as the story goes, to hide from God. OM: This is what you do with Tamara? AAG: No, but that’s how I eat her pussy. OM: By drowning it in Armagnac? AAG: With a napkin over my head.

HELLO????

You’re well-endowed, I’ll give you that, but the head is rather… red, isn’t it? Greta had imagined a pig in a blanket left overnight in a chafing dish.

STOPPPPP

Yes, people age horribly. They suffer strokes. Their bodies and brains fall apart. But the male ego? Firmly intact until the bitter end.

unfortunately !1!!1

OM: “Har” is an ancient mantra for prosperity and good health. FEW: We’ll be repeating the word “Har”? As in, “har, har, har”?

i har har har’d

Oh yeah—he said my pussy smelled like an aquarium supply store in Chinatown.

HE LLOOOOO????