Before and After (Before and After, #1)

by Andrew Shanahan

The fireman who falls to his death is Carl, and the one who kicks him out of the window is Karl.

It doesn’t help that as they jostle me, I can’t stop a small fart from creeping out which has just enough of a rasp that it was very obviously from me.

I'm blind-reading it. Is it a comedy?

The movement board has a steadying line attached to the cherry picker, but this won’t be taking any of the weight – it will just steady my horizontal movement and ensure that I don’t swing out of the flat like a wrecking ball and demolish a nearby building. No one says that is a concern, but I get the distinct impression that it has been risk assessed.

His self-awareness is adorable.

In this part of North Manchester, a crowd would gather just to marvel at a crane, so the idea of seeing some fat, shut-in weirdo suspended from a crane will probably close schools and factories for miles around. I’m bracing for a commemorative issue of the local paper.

:D

The comments were brutal. Alerted by the appearance of Ben’s arms, hands and fingers nearly all of the messages focus on Ben’s weight. There was one comment that said simply, “Good vid”, but the others point out that Ben was a “sausage-fingered fucktard”. The top comment said: “Cool drone dont eat it.”

She works at Greggs as well, how could anyone inflict pain on someone like that? They created a sausage roll for vegans.

“You probably don’t recognise me because I’ve been working out, thanks for noticing.” By way of reply, she farts quietly, and the scent of digesting rat fills the flat and makes my eyes water.

Obscene! :D

I’m going to America. I’ve researched it thoroughly and the only dangers are guns and ignorance.”

Whether I like it or not, I now live in a world where the delivery of calories to the front door is over. The global obesity crisis is solved and all it took was the total destruction of civilisation.

“Don’t be like that Karl – it’s my birthday. I’m 26.” “26 tons, you fat pie.

I power up the drone and I get the familiar sensation of the sound of the eight motors powering up and a blast of wind. As usual Karl somewhere below starts to chunter about how he’s going to skullfuck everything.

I focus on the joystick and push the cherry picker down off the pavement and onto the road as my home burns. Karl screams that he’s being abducted

Throughout the journey, Karl keeps up a constant stream of abuse directed towards me, the harness he’s attached to and anything and everything that he sees.

I stop driving altogether, to see if I can lift the tether with two hands, but it’s no use and Karl starts screaming even louder.

Curtains in a nearby terrace twitch and a wrath bangs on the inside of the glass, so I’m forced to give up, power the cherry picker back up and continue, while Karl narrates the journey with his complaints.

Karl’s a prick but he definitely adds flavour to Ben’s story.