A Very Punchable Face

by Colin Jost

And some of you, I’ll admit, were duped. Because half the copies of this book were titled Becoming 2: Michelle’s Got More to Say. And for that I apologize, even as I continue to fight Mrs. Obama aggressively in court.

first LOL of the book

No one in comedy (or any field, really) succeeds in a vacuum. And the faster you find friends who challenge you and sometimes make you jealous, the faster you’ll grow as a comedian (and regress as a human).

“We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one.”

The Advance took a conservative approach to headlines, whereas I came from more of a New York Post tradition. If they wrote “Teenager Stabbed in Heroin Bust,” I would suggest, “Angel Tot Chopped Up in Smack Smackdown!”

I later found out they weren’t expecting me to be funny during the interview. They were just trying to make sure I wasn’t a crazy person.*8 Like when they asked, “Where are you from?” I just had to avoid bursting into tears and yelling, “I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING AFTER THE ACCIDENT!”

And the woman sitting next to me on the plane will be visibly worried. She’ll ask, “So…are you…a writer?” “Yes,” I’ll say. “I’m writing the blueprint for a new humanity.” And that’s

“Eventually, all our graves go unattended.” —

“Come play Farmville with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!” “Or see stand-up comedy from the Menendez Brothers!” “Plus, a live sex show by the green M&M!”

And a fun fact about her was that her Twitter handle was very similar to Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks, so she would occasionally get tweets that were intended for the NBA basketball player and not for the Wall Street Journalist. My favorite one was after the Knicks lost on Martin Luther King Day, and someone tweeted, “Hey @carmellobello, way to shit the bed on #MLKDay! Great way to honor Dr. King’s legacy!” When I first saw that, I thought, Jesus, Carmel, what did you do?

now I’m imposing on this special family bonding moment, like someone pouring Pibb Xtra all over a Jammin’ Jambalaya.

And sure, sometimes you might do things like go into the folder where people turn in their sketches and delete one that Aidy Bryant wrote so yours has a better chance of getting picked; but in fairness, the way you delete something on a computer is by dragging it into the trash, and that’s where Aidy’s sketches belong.

Lorne’s the kind of guy who gives you a Christmas present in July and says, “Oops. I guess Santa’s losing his widdle mind!”

“Donald Trump on a TV show makes total sense. It’s Donald Trump as an elected official that’s bonkers.”

I’m always trying, and mostly failing, to drink less. I’ll go a few days or even a week without drinking at all and I’ll think, AHHHHHHHHH, THIS IS BORING AND DRINKING IS FUN!!! My doctor calls this “a bad sign.”

Dr. Pecker examined my leg and said, “Hmm. That looks pretty angry.” To which I said, “You should see it after the Knicks lose!” To which he said, “Please stop.”

Cutaneous leishmaniasis falls into a category called “neglected tropical diseases” (which are tropical diseases whose parents were working all the time and never made it to any of their baseball games).