A Very Punchable Face

by Colin Jost

answering the phone and talking to another human still feels like a huge psychological accomplishment.

The bins under the seats were marked LIFE JACKETS but should have been marked A HUNDRED RATS LIVE HERE.

underground rocket toilet.

Ah yes, the subway.

Whereas the Lampoon was filled with all the “alternative nerds” you knew growing up who read a hundred books that weren’t on the syllabus and got really into some weird hobby like philately because they truly cared about it.

So me?

Hardball host Chris Matthews once stopped by because he was moderating a debate in Boston. He looked around the building, then approached a twenty-one-year-old me and whispered, “Where is this place in your dreams?”

The most surprising part about this is that Chris Matthews can whisper

ME: Well, how many times have you shit your pants in the last five years? HIM: Zero! Well la-di-da! Must be nice, Mr. My Intestines Function Properly!

IBS buddies unite

“These are a few of my favorite things.” —RODGERS & HAMMERSTEIN “Eventually, all our graves go unattended.” —CONAN O’BRIEN

I love conan o brien so much

In the “O.J./Grease Mash-Up Musical”—Revise the last beat of the song: “He killed Ron Goldman/like a stabby stabby slashy slashy stabbady-slashy-do/And then his ex-wife/like a jabby jabby knifey knifey jabbady-stabby-do.”

Omfg 😂