A Very Punchable Face

by Colin Jost

Here are some names I’ve been called on social media as well as regular media: “Bland,” “Pasty,” “Transparent,” “Milquetoast” (gross), “the Whitest Man in History,” “Powder,” “If Milk Became a Person,” “Milk-Face,” “Milk the Movie,” “You Tall Glass of Egg Whites” (™ Leslie Jones), “Casper,” “Gay Casper,” “Chicken Salad,” “If Jizz Became a Person,” and of course, “The Actual White Devil.”

In fairness, my mother suffers from Giant Irish Family Syndrome, where she can’t even remember her own children’s names without cycling through multiple cousins first.