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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Aundi Kolber
Trying harder helps us feel safe in areas of our lives that may have felt overwhelming or out of control in the past.
Understanding why you came to live and behave the way you do is critical to implementing long-term change.
The work of trying softer begins when we release our desire for the quick fix and tend to the wounds underneath the surface.
For years I didn’t believe my experiences were “bad enough” to count, so I didn’t see myself as a survivor of trauma, even though I had the same symptoms. It wasn’t until I learned about the nervous system and gained additional training that I understood how significant it is to experience trauma in childhood—and how it can affect us long after.
Each of these examples shows us that sometimes when difficulties compound, what we once felt we could handle begins to feel unbearable. Even everyday experiences can add up and make us less able to navigate unpleasant situations, pushing us out of our WOT.
If we don’t feel safe, we will struggle to set good limits.
When we consciously or unconsciously feel we aren’t safe, our bodies automatically shift into hyper- or hypoarousal.
This sense is exacerbated if they feel they don’t have a voice, choice, or way to set limits on experiences that feel threatening.
To be physically and emotionally well, we must experience safety in our bodies.[6] “Safety” in this context implies that we (1) are in our WOT; (2) don’t feel threatened; and/or (3) believe we have the resources and support to keep ourselves safe should threats arise (for example, by setting limits).
The work of learning how to tell if a perceived threat is real, and to know that it’s okay to have a voice, is what trying softer is all about.
This hypersensitivity exhausted my nervous system, often filling me with anxiety, dread, and neck pain.
When we are not paying attention to our inner worlds, we are susceptible to emotional burnout, exhaustion, emotional dysregulation, and chronic pain.[13] Because our brains are shaped around what we notice, it’s important that we become better and more effective at listening—and responding—to what our minds and bodies are telling us. This is the journey of trying softer.
When we hunt for beauty, we learn to pay attention. We keep our eyes open for goodness and for cracks of light.
Knowing about something is not the same as having an embodied knowledge of it. Curiosity and self-awareness matter a great deal in our journeys toward trying softer, precisely because they reveal what is at the deepest parts of ourselves.
Learning to attune to ourselves is essentially the climax of trying softer—we are aiming to rewire our brains so they receive what they needed when they were young. It is the work of reparenting ourselves and participating with God’s good design to help us heal and thrive by filling our toolboxes with practices that help us embody the truth that we are loved and valuable, even when those we are closest to can’t be physically present.
we are invited to connect to and respond to our internal world because we are deeply valuable and loved by God; and because that is true, we can rest in the fact that our needs matter.
We all need people who will spread their arms and create a space for us to be. We need them to see our lives and know us, whether we’re being our messiest self or our best, most beautiful self. This essential need to be seen is part of how God put us together.
I have known many friends and clients who thought that if they could simply have enough faith or pray enough, their physical or mental issues would resolve. This is the spiritual equivalent of white-knuckling it. When we live an integrated life, we can sense whenever anyone—within our culture or the church—begins to value the spiritual over the physical.
I know now that we were looking for an exclusively spiritual answer to a largely psychological and physiological problem.
Research now shows that trauma and emotional dysregulation literally change the way our bodies function.[3]
Physiologically, how can we process and learn if we don’t feel safe with ourselves?
Research shows that naming your emotion may calm your limbic system and support the integration of your brain.[5]
My body wasn’t trying to keep me from success; it was telling me my emotions needed compassionate attention and that I was afraid I would be worthless if I failed.
Instead, the way back to integration, or a whole brain, is to honor the signals our emotions are giving us, allowing us the ability to respond appropriately.
we must learn to move through our emotions—to tolerate them but also learn to take breaks when needed.
we must always keep an eye on our WOT so that experiences don’t become retraumatizing.
Try Softer Affirmations I have choices. I can set boundaries. It’s okay to disappoint people. I am capable. I am loved no matter what. I am valuable. I can ask for support. It’s okay to need help. My emotions give me information. My body supports me. My body gives me information. I am responsible for only myself. It’s okay to take care of myself. This emotion is temporary. I am beloved.
that you become strong in your weakness and face hatred with love—even, and maybe especially, if the one you hate is yourself.[10]
Surrender—when done voluntarily, not from coercion—is a way to be gentle with ourselves, recognizing that trying to control everything can wear us out rather than lift us up.
You can continue to connect with those parts of yourself that are brave and strong. That is the beauty of cowriting a new story with God: We get to choose what to cultivate and what we must learn to forgive in ourselves. I encourage you to see your story through a generous lens. Where are the nuggets of goodness for you to mine? Don’t forget these treasures.
