The Upside of Falling

by Alex Light

It was like, if love couldn’t exist in reality, at least it was alive in fiction. Between the pages it was safe. The heartbreak was contained. There was no aftermath, no shock waves. I mean, there’s a reason all books end right after the couple gets together. No one wants to keep reading long enough to see the happily ever after turn into an unhappily ever after. Right?

Could love really make the world stop? Why did it make every female character feel alive? Wasn’t she alive before she met him?

Love was destructive, dangerous. It was safer on pages, and these books were enough of an experience for me. I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet.

She was wrong. I knew a lot about love. I knew there were two kinds: 1) real love and 2) fictional love. The real kind was what I thought my parents had, pre-divorce. The fictional kind was what I’d preferred since.

And, oh my gosh, it was just so annoying. Like what was wrong with being single? What was wrong with not having someone’s hand to hold and whatever else couples do? Why couldn’t a seventeen-year-old just be on her own and everyone be okay with that? Without expecting her to fall in love at any given moment?

“Hi,” I said slowly, staring at his hand in mine. How did that get there? Brett was giving me this look, like c’mon, Becca, get with it. Jenny was glancing between the two of us, looking as confused as I felt. Her eyes zeroed in on Brett’s arm on my waist and she said, “You guys are dating?”

“I’m guessing you want to be the prince?” “Only if you’re the princess.”

“Reading helps me. It’s like I’m in another world when I read. And all the problems in my life don’t exist anymore. It helps.”

because Brett said, “I think that was my dad. And that woman wasn’t my mom.” Oh. Oh. “But I— You said your dad was in Ohio.” As soon as I said it, I realized how dumb it was. And then everything sort of clicked into place, a puzzle neither of us wanted to solve. “I thought he was,” Brett whispered. I reached for him—his hand, his arm, anything. I latched on. Tight. I knew what it felt like to drown without water. It was worse when no one was there to bring you back to shore.

“Read to me” was all he said. “I don’t think you’ll like this book.” It was romantic. Like, embarrassingly so. “Please, Becca.” I flipped open to the page I had bookmarked and began to read. My voice sounded weird at first, more high-pitched, but then it evened out and I started to sound like me again. Reading out loud was weird. I was so used to occupying this fictional world alone that having Brett there with me felt different. Not a bad different.

SOOOOOO CUTE- omggghjhjgjfjgjgj

After I finished the first chapter, our eyes met. He said, “Keep going.” So I kept reading. That was the first time I missed curfew.

“Can you come over?” I asked. A half hour later my doorbell rang. Becca was standing on the porch, hunched over. “Hi,” she said, out of breath. “Becca—did you run here?” She stepped inside, chest heaving. “Y-Yeah. It sounded urgent. Didn’t have a ride. You good?” I stared at her: hair sticking to her forehead, bent over like she was about to pass out, mouth hanging open as she tried to catch her breath. This girl had literally run across town to my house. She looked like she needed an ambulance, yet the only thing she seemed to be worrying about was me. I hugged her, wrapped her into my chest until my chin was resting on the top of her head. I felt it then, the same feeling as last night, when she was reading to me. That stillness. A break in the storm. “Thank you,” I said.

“Thomas Wells,” she finished. “Yeah, he’s my, uh, dad. He hasn’t been answering his phone and we’re worried.” Becca was nodding along to whatever the receptionist said. I leaned in closer, trying to hear. “It’s Thomas. Yeah, W-E-L-L-S. Sure. I’m on hold,” she whispered. A second later, she said, “Oh. Okay. Thanks anyway. Bye.” She hung up. “Well?” I didn’t like the look on her face. “She said there was no reservation under that name.” It felt like the floor had turned to quicksand and I was being sucked under.

:(

People leave, Brett. It’s not our fault for not giving them a reason to stay. It’s their fault for not finding one. You know?”

“I can’t believe I have a crush on a girl with such horrible ice cream taste.”

“Oh, Becca. I love it when you get all geeky.” I swatted his arm. “The point is that after the climax, the final stage of a book is the resolution. It’s where all the problems are solved, the characters are happy again, and there’s this sense of relief, Brett. What’s happening right now with your family? Think of it as the climax, when everything gets crazy. What I’m trying to say is that you need to hang in a little longer, wait for the resolution. Because then, everything will be okay. You’ll be okay.”

“You’re kind of amazing, Becca Hart,” he said. I started to laugh before I saw the serious look on his face. No teasing this time, no poking fun. He really meant that.

“That was your first kiss?” I nodded. “Tell me, Becca,” Brett said, running his thumb across my bottom lip. “If this were a book, how’d you want your first kiss to be?” “I don’t know,” I said honestly. I never really thought about that. “Come oooon. I don’t believe that for a second. Would it be raining? What about fireworks? Or would it be late at night when you’re sitting on a bench in front of a bookstore?” “That doesn’t sound totally horrible,” I said. Brett took my face in his hands then, gently. He moved closer until I could see nothing but those deadly ocean eyes. “I think you’re amazing,” he said, “and I think you deserve a first kiss that’s a hell of a lot better than standing in a school hallway while everyone watches.” “Like sitting on a bench with no one watching?” “Becca,” he said, closing the space between us until our foreheads were touching, “your first kiss should have been like this.”

“That,” Brett whispered, “was an eleven.” I was thinking more of a twelve.

Life didn’t have to fit into a four-sided box that was neat and tidy. It was okay if the box had three sides or the fourth one was hanging on with duct tape. It was okay if the corners were dented and if there was a big red FRAGILE sticker on top. It was all okay.

“You’re falling in love?” he asked. “I am,” I said, wiping a tear off my cheek, “and it’s greater than any book I ever read.”

“Dad,” he said, slipping his arm around my waist, “this is my girlfriend, Becca.”

Stop overthinking, I told myself. Feel. So I did. “I love you too,” I said. Brett smiled. The stars fell from the sky and landed on his face. It was the brightest smile of them all. “You do?” he asked. “I do,” I said, laughing. “I don’t think I even realized it until just now. But I do love you, Brett, because you make me feel safe. You make me feel hopeful. I never thought I’d love anyone. And with all the downsides of love, you managed to show me the upside,”

until his eyes met mine. They were so dark, those black holes again. “I love every single thing about you.”

“Look, an image is there in front of you. Right? You stare at it but then you can look away and it’s gone,” she said. “Words aren’t like that. They build an entire world around you. It’s not something you look at, it’s something you’re inside. That makes it scarier.”

“Because you go somewhere else when you read. I want to go there with you.”