The Upside of Falling

by Alex Light

I was going through two books a week. I could not get enough. It was like, if love couldn’t exist in reality, at least it was alive in fiction.

Between the pages it was safe. The heartbreak was contained. There was no aftermath, no shock waves.

And, oh my gosh, it was just so annoying. Like what was wrong with being single? What was wrong with not having someone’s hand to hold and whatever else couples do? Why couldn’t a seventeen-year-old just be on her own and everyone be okay with that? Without expecting her to fall in love at any given moment?

Her sadness was baked into cupcakes and served in pink-and-silver wrappers.

“I’m guessing you want to be the prince?” “Only if you’re the princess.”

“I’m not a mystery,” he said, “people just make assumptions and no one bothers to find out the truth. That’s it.”

My heart was beginning to hurt, the same way it did the day he left. It was slow at first, a subtle burn. And then the flames began to grow, devouring everything in their path.

I read and read and read until reality faded into fiction.

“Reading helps me. It’s like I’m in another world when I read. And all the problems in my life don’t exist anymore. It helps.”

I reminded myself that feelings, especially the weird ones stirring inside me right now, were dangerous. So I pushed them down, closed all the windows, and shut them out. I twisted the key to the lock on my heart and swallowed it whole. No one was getting in. Nothing was getting out.

I knew what it felt like to drown without water. It was worse when no one was there to bring you back to shore.

People leave, Brett. It’s not our fault for not giving them a reason to stay. It’s their fault for not finding one.

I wished I would have let someone help me through it instead of bottling all my emotions up. Maybe then I’d be better now, more in the present instead of stuck in the past.