The Upside of Falling

by Alex Light

THERE WERE CERTAIN DAYS I could remember like they were yesterday. The summer morning when my mom finally learned how to bake, which, coincidentally, was also the day our apartment stopped smelling like a smokehouse. Or when I was ten and learned how to ride my bike without training wheels. But remembering

wasn’t always a good thing. There were days I would give anything to forget. Like the day my dad left. Or the first time I flunked a math test. Then there were the days that made up most of my life, the ones that were completely unnoteworthy, blending into one another. I had gotten into the habit of ending every day with the same question: Was it worth remembering or forgetting?

if love couldn’t exist in reality, at least it was alive in fiction.

“I’m guessing you want to be the prince?” “Only if you’re the princess.”

“Reading helps me. It’s like I’m in another

world when I read. And all the problems in my life don’t exist anymore. It helps.”

So I pushed

them down, closed all the windows, and shut them out. I twisted the key to the lock on my heart and swallowed it whole. No one was getting in. Nothing was getting out.

College can wait.” “Yeah. Sometimes I wish the future could too.”

but what if it wasn’t? I clung to that voice because it was easier to be confused than to be angry. With confusion there were still possibilities; it wasn’t black and white just yet. And there was a shred of hope somewhere in the gray that I needed right now.

But there are days when it sucks. Days when I obsess over him and overanalyze every little thing until I realize it’s pointless. People leave, Brett. It’s not our fault for not giving them a reason to stay. It’s their fault for not finding one. You know?”

“But you don’t believe in love.” No. But I’m starting to believe in like. Shut up, brain.

“I can’t believe I have a crush on a girl with such horrible ice cream taste.”

Think of it as the climax, when everything gets crazy. What I’m trying to say is that you need to hang in a little longer, wait for the resolution. Because then, everything will be okay. You’ll be okay.”

fake became real and I was too busy ignoring my own heart to even realize it. But maybe I didn’t want to ignore it anymore. Maybe it was time to undo the locks and open all the windows. Maybe falling in love didn’t mean you were doomed and the future couldn’t be determined by the past. Maybe I had to stop living my life through books and it was time to rip off all the caution tape and see what happened when I let myself feel. Or when I let myself fall.

And I wanted to feel everything with Brett. “Brett?” “Becca?” I leaned my head into his chest. “Don’t break my heart. Okay?” His hand tilted up my chin until our eyes met. He was all shadows and moonlight. “I won’t,” he said.

The look on his mom’s face reminded me of my mom’s, that kind of heartbreak that eats at you slowly, tearing you apart.

but it was too late. That was the thing with blood; it stained. Whether it was there for a second or a minute, you couldn’t get rid of it. It soaked itself into the fabric so deeply that it became a part of it.

Answers, the truth, whatever you want to call it. None of it matters because it’s too late.

My arms were beginning to ache from the weight of all these books, but I didn’t care. It was nice to feel that weight somewhere other than my heart.

Stupid books. Nothing prepared me for this. The weird part was that my heart didn’t feel entirely broken. Not the way it had after the divorce. Now it was like, instead of the entire thing shattering, just one tiny little piece of it was missing. A subtle ache. But it was there all the same. And it still hurt.

“Because some people leave for good. But sometimes they come back.” “Like you did,”

Life didn’t have to fit into a four-sided box that was neat and tidy. It was okay if the box had three sides or the fourth one was hanging on with duct tape. It was okay if the corners were dented and if there was a big red FRAGILE sticker on top.

It was all okay.

“I’m here to forgive you. I spent the last five years living with this weight inside of me. A weight that’s there because of you. I tried to forget you. I tried to press the thought of you down until you were nothing but a distant memory and for a while, I thought it worked. . . . But now I’m falling in love. And that made me realize just how much damage you did to my heart. “I can’t live with this pain anymore. I can’t carry around this sadness because it’s stopping me from being the person I want to be. I . . . I can’t be that person if I still hate you.”

I don’t know why I was so obsessed with the sky. Maybe it was the idea of a new day, a fresh start. Or maybe I just liked the way it looked. Not everything had to have some big meaning behind it.

For some reason, my mind went back to that very first day, when I was sitting under the oak tree behind the football field. “I used to categorize my days,” I told him. “Some were worth remembering and some I wanted to forget.” “Which one is today?” he asked. I didn’t even have to think about it. “One to remember.”

“I don’t think I even realized it until just now. But I do love you, Brett, because you make me feel safe. You make me feel hopeful. I never thought I’d love anyone. And with all the downsides of love, you managed to show me the upside,”

“Look, an image is there in front of you. Right? You stare at it but then you can look away and it’s gone,” she said. “Words aren’t like that. They build an entire world around you. It’s not something you look at, it’s something you’re inside. That makes it scarier.”

“It feels like the world is going to explode when I kiss you,” I whispered. “Then let it explode,” she said.

“Because you go somewhere else when you read. I want to go there with you.”