Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

“I’m sorry” won’t cut it if it’s insincere, a quick way to get out of a difficult conversation, or followed by a justification or excuse.

the more serious the harm, the less likely it is for the wrongdoer to feel genuine remorse and make amends.

When “but” is tagged on to an apology, it undoes the sincerity. Watch out for this sneaky little add-on. It almost always signals an excuse or cancels out the original message. It doesn’t matter if the statement you make after the “but” is true—it makes the apology false. It says, in effect, “Given the whole situation, my rudeness (or lateness, or sarcastic tone, or what-have-you) is pretty understandable.”

"but a person can only take/stand so much" is another.

Another fine way to ruin an apology is to view your apology as an automatic ticket to forgiveness and redemption, that is, it’s really about you and your need for reassurance. “I’m sorry” shouldn’t be viewed as a bargaining chip you give to get something back from the injured party, like forgiveness.

The experience of guilt is usually tied to specific behaviors that we’re not especially proud of, like betraying a friend’s confidence, or hurting someone in the name of honesty.

It took me a long time to fully appreciate that the person who feels essentially superior is no different than the person who feels essentially inferior.

For an individual to look squarely at his or her harmful actions and to become genuinely accountable, that person must have a platform of self-worth to stand on.

People do not respond well to being told how they should think, feel, or behave—and

Letting go means protecting ourselves from the corrosive effects of staying stuck.

“Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person is totally bat-shit crazy.”

Finally, clinging to an angry internal dialogue keeps the fantasy of obtaining justice alive—that one magical day when the offender will have a Eureka! experience and see what he’s done.

people who deceive and diminish others are not deeply happy and fully at peace with themselves.