Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

When “but” is tagged on to an apology, it undoes the sincerity.

A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response.

Almost any apology that begins with “I’m sorry if . . .” is a non-apology.

demanding forgiveness can undercut an apology by making the other person feel rushed and even wronged all over again. Apologies often need their own time and space to take hold.

Over-apologizing creates distance and interrupts the normal flow of conversation. It will irritate your friends, and also make it harder for them to hear you when you offer an apology that you really need to give.

Part of a true apology is staying deeply curious about the hurt person’s experience rather than hijacking it with your own emotionality.

A sincere apology means we are fully accountable for the part we are responsible for, and for only that.

A commitment to listening doesn’t mean that we stay mute while the other person is rude and out of bounds.

While guilt is about doing, shame is about being. Deep down we believe that another person couldn’t possibly love or respect us if he or she really knew the whole, pitiful, god-awful truth about us.