Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

The best apologies are short, and don’t go on to include explanations that run the risk of undoing them. An apology isn’t the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication. This is an important and often overlooked distinction.

Part of a true apology is staying deeply curious about the hurt person’s experience rather than hijacking it with your own emotionality.

The words “I want you to know that I’m going to keep thinking about what you’ve told me” are an often neglected and truly important part of a healing apology.

People’s sense of self-worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they’ve caused. The more solid one’s sense of self-regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center.

The worse the offense and the greater the shame, the more difficult it is for the wrongdoer to empathize with the harmed party and feel remorse.

We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions, nor are they responsible for ours.

The sincerity test of an apology is in the follow-up.

The hardest part is that it requires us to accept that the offending party is never going to apologize, never going to see himself or herself objectively, never going to listen to our feelings with the slightest openness of mind or heart. Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that doesn’t serve us.