Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

we are capable of surprising changes when we can no longer live with the status quo. The distancer can make a forceful effort to connect, to ask questions and listen with the intention to understand. The overtalker can practice brevity and leaving more space. The fix-it person can dial down the advice-giving, little corrections, and “I know-what’s-best” attitude. The rigid partner can learn to bend like grass, and the overly accommodating partner can learn to stand like an oak when something really matters. I could make a longer list, but you get the idea. You need to be yourself and also to “try out a new you.” Without a spirit of adventure, you’ll be stuck with a narrow vision of who you are and what’s possible in your relationships. The best apologies are offered by people who understand that it is important to be oneself, but equally as important to choose the self that we want to be.