Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

As Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas point out in The Five Languages of Apology, the “right way” to say you’re

sorry depends on whom you are apologizing to, because people differ in the words they need to hear in order to accept an apology as sincere. Words that soothe one person may disappoint or irritate another. One person may need to hear the offender say, “I was wrong,” in order to feel that the apology is genuine. For another person, “I promise to do my best to ensure it won’t happen again” are the magic words that allow the apology to get through.

1. Recognize your defensiveness. We are wired to go immediately into defensive mode when criticized. Becoming aware of our defensiveness can give us a tiny, crucial bit of distance from it. We are listening defensively when we listen for what we don’t agree with. Catch yourself when you are focusing on the inaccuracies, distortions, and exaggerations that inevitably will be there. 2. Breathe. Defensiveness starts in the body, making us tense and on guard, unable to take in new information. Do what you can to calm yourself. Take slow and deep breaths. 3. Listen only to understand. Listen only to discover what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints. If your points are legitimate, that’s all the more reason to save them for a different conversation, when they can be a focus of conversation and not a defense strategy. 4. Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. When the criticism is vague (“I feel you don’t respect me”), ask for a concrete example. (“Can you give me another example where you felt I was putting you down?”) This will add to your clarity and show the other party that you care about understanding her. Note: Asking for specifics is not the same thing as nitpicking—the key is to be curious, not to cross-examine. Don’t act like a lawyer, even if you are one. 5. Find something you can agree with. You may only agree with 7 percent of what the other person is saying, and still f...

Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if we haven’t listened well to the hurt party’s anger and pain.

The wrongdoer cannot maintain honor and dignity when denied agency and allowed to rely on excuses and psychological rationalizations. While we need to consider how the past and the present affect behavior, a difficult personal history or painful current circumstance doesn’t cause a person to behave badly.

Most people who commit serious harm never get to the point where they can admit to their harmful actions, much less apologize and aim to repair them. Their shame leads to denial and self-deception that overrides their ability to orient toward reality. No person can be more honest with us than they can be with their own self.

Try sharing your reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing your feelings. There is greater clarity and self-empowerment in saying, “When I discovered what you did, I felt devastated and crazy,” rather than, “You made me feel devastated and crazy.”

We may say, “I’m sorry for my part in this,” without yet being clear about our contribution, but with goodwill and a commitment to think about it. Here our goal is to widen the path for intimacy over time, not to settle for a superficial and premature peace.

we are capable of surprising changes when we can no longer live with the status quo. The distancer can make a forceful effort to connect, to ask questions and listen with the intention to understand. The overtalker can practice brevity and leaving more space. The fix-it person can dial down the advice-giving, little corrections, and “I know-what’s-best” attitude. The rigid partner can learn to bend like grass, and the overly accommodating partner can learn to stand like an oak when something really matters. I could make a longer list, but you get the idea. You need to be yourself and also to “try out a new you.” Without a spirit of adventure, you’ll be stuck with a narrow vision of who you are and what’s possible in your relationships. The best apologies are offered by people who understand that it is important to be oneself, but equally as important to choose the self that we want to be.