Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

Sometimes it’s easier to cling to old resentments, and continue to carry their full weight, than to put down the heavy load of resentment and hurt.

Finally, she realized that despite some ongoing envy and resentment for the “good life” he had, she did not want to be him. She did not want to be a person who would do what he had done. Her dignity and integrity were intact, qualities far more important than what money could buy.

There are countless resources out there to aid us with the process of letting go, when we have the will and intention to move in this direction. Therapy, meditations, medication, yoga, religious and spiritual practices, exercise, writing and making art, breathing and relaxation exercises, and being useful to others, are just a few of the available paths and concrete strategies to help us stop nursing past grievances and live more peacefully in the present. How do you find peace when the hurt you’ve suffered will never be acknowledged or repaired by the one who inflicted it? The answer is as simple as the challenge is daunting. Any way you can. It’s worthwhile finding a concrete strategy, healing practice, or larger perspective that suits you, or a new way of thinking that speaks to you. While you’re ruminating about the terrible things your ex (or mother or Uncle Charlie) did to you, and making yourself miserable in the process, the person who has hurt you may be having a fabulous day at the beach. This is as good a reason as any to make use of the resources that are out there to help you grab a bit more peace of mind. The hardest part is that it requires us to accept that the offending party is never going to apologize, never going to see himself or herself objectively, never going to listen to our feelings with the slightest openness of mind or heart. Letting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized fu...