Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

Questioning ourselves for being “oversensitive” is a common way that women, in particular, disqualify our legitimate anger and hurt.

More than anything, the hurt party wants to hear an apology that is heartfelt. When “but” is tagged on to an apology, it undoes the sincerity. Watch out for this sneaky little add-on. It almost always signals an excuse or cancels out the original message. It doesn’t matter if the statement you make after the “but” is true—it makes the apology false. It says, in effect, “Given the whole situation, my rudeness (or lateness, or sarcastic tone, or what-have-you) is pretty understandable.”

“I’m sorry” shouldn’t be viewed as a bargaining chip you give to get something back from the injured party, like forgiveness.

Perhaps the number one risk factor for being a non-apologizer is being born male, just as the number one risk factor for being an over-apologizer is being born female. Research suggests that more men than women just won’t go there when it comes to apologizing—a finding that holds true across cultures.

People’s sense of self-worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they’ve caused. The more solid one’s sense of self-regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center.

Or we may do the opposite and flip shame into contempt, arrogance, a need to control, and displays of one-upmanship, dominance, and superiority. In the latter case the person may be hell-bent on not apologizing to anybody.

When our identity and sense of worth are at risk of being diminished or annihilated, we will not be able to offer a true apology and face all that the challenge of earning back trust entails. We are more likely to wrap ourselves in a blanket of rationalization, minimization, and denial in order to survive.

Before you open up a conversation with a person who has harmed you, keep in mind that protecting yourself comes first. Reduce your expectations to zero for getting the response you want and deserve. Speak your truths because you need to speak for your own self—because this is the ground you want to stand on, irrespective of whatever response you receive. A heartfelt apology is unlikely to be forthcoming, now or ever.

But a true apology does not ask the other person to do anything—not even to forgive.

What does the hurt party need to hear? People who appear to be holding on to anger or bitterness frequently did not experience a clear, direct, heartfelt validation soon after an earlier betrayal or act of neglect occurred. The child, or adult, may have been told that the bad thing was not really happening, that his feelings and perceptions were wrong, out of proportion, or crazy—or that what happened was necessary, even his fault, his choice, and something he brought on by his own difficult behavior.