Everything Here Is Beautiful

by Mira T. Lee

No doubt the grief made us giddy. The late hour. The fatigue. But it was like that, to be with Lucia.

Whe not ill, she was joyful.

Lucia wore a sparkly tank top with pink bicycle pants, silver hoop earrings.

No preconceived notions here.

She found her wanderlust, too, forgoing the air-conditioned offices and suits our mother and I were both familiar with to teach English in Ecuador, tutor in Brazil, volunteer at an orphanage in Bolivia.

I'm Kinda already in love w/Lucia.

They had signed prenuptial agreements, at my insistence.

Always taking are of L.

My sister was officially a newlywed. A wife. It came to me suddenly, as a blunt ache inside—I’d never felt more alone.

Accuracy as now she must be in a diff place in Lucia's world.

“I write down everything.” “So?” I said. “Yesterday, Yoni wrote down six Hebrew words.”

Lucia reported this of her new spouse.

Tess Carter, a true blue-eyed blonde, who would transform those years into something bearable.

Her first friend became lifelong.

He came on vacation with us that first summer. Lucia and I liked to rent a cottage on Cape Cod with a few of our friends. I invited Tess, who came from the city with her new boyfriend,

Yonah Tess came too

This Yonah is an arrogant man.

She keeps forming diff opinions of him.

Yonah would yell from the background in his singsong voice: “Jie! Come visit us soon!” Or, “Me and Lucy Goosey, we miss you! Everything here is beautiful!”

Book title

“She needs a doctor,” I said. This is how Lucia looked: Empty. Pale. Limp, like old celery.

Onset of schizophrenia

It had happened once before, three years earlier, not long after she’d finished graduate school.

Once before

She’d been sitting on top of a manhole cover in the middle of the street, cold and disoriented, singing at the top of her lungs.

Its bad

Your sister, always such a happy child. Wild, yes, but so happy.

As a child

His essence was a lump of boiled ham.

I love these descriptions of a person's essence.

“I am her husband. I am taking care of her, I am taking her home.” “Please, Yonah,” I said. “You can’t do that. She’s not well.” “She’s not an animal,” he said.

He is actually right.

FAQs 4 Caregivers. Bipolar Symptoms and Signs. 25 Tips for Coping with Schizophrenia. “She has a mental illness,” I said. I brandished the folder like a weapon of proof. “This hospital is to help her. She needs help. Can’t you see?” “This hospital is bullshit,” he roared.

Id have to agree wth Yonah.

these kinds of illnesses are most often lifelong conditions,” she said. I didn’t believe her.

Yep.

“What’s his essence?” asked Lucia. I pictured Stefan’s steady brown eyes, his noble demeanor. “Elk?” I said. “Elk!” she said. “Is that like partway between a deer and a moose?”

Miranda & Lucia talking about Swiss Stephan.

That summer, Uncle Leo disappeared. “What do you mean, disappeared?” I said. “Poof,” said Lucia. “Vanished, like magic.” Vanished, like magic? Later I learned he’d absconded with sixty-six thousand dollars, had been embezzling from the store for more than two years. Yonah flew immediately to Israel.

Could be a bad fnancial turning point for Yonah and Lucia.

“The yelling is everywhere,” she said. “Too loud.” It was then that Lucia started to spend more time away; she liked Central Park, Coney Island, the beach at Far Rockaway, the Cloisters up north.

The stimulus would be too mch.

“She never say she want kids before,” he said. “Jie, we need a different life.”

Yonah is struggling . Who wouldnt?

“But she wouldn’t do that,” I said. “She loves it here, she would never do that.” Unless she was crazy. I did not voice this last thought aloud.

About Lucy moving out

She shrugged. Finally, I raised my voice. I called her rash, reckless, irresponsible. “It’s my life,” she said. “I can love a baby.” She began to avoid my calls. Nothing would change her mind.

I think k she can.

Except there was no young girl up in the tree.

Another psychotic break.

This I noticed about Lucia: she was kind. And with her, instead of my usual slouch, eyes down, I noticed more of what was around.

Manuel met her at laundromat

“He’s not right,” said Tía Camila. “Hush,” said Mami. They brought him to a medicine man who lived up in the mountains. “Best, a dunce,” said the man. “Worst, a deadweight. That child is a curse.” Mami grew angry.

Downs?

He slipped his over his shoes. “This one is fresh off the boat,” said the maid. I hated the way she laughed, high and thin, like I was lower than donkey shit. We walked on

The slights to immigrants.

We named our daughter Esperanza Sylvia Bok.

Manny and Lucia's dtr

“There are bugs crawling on my body when I sleep,” she said. She lay on her back, staring up at her banana plants. “I can’t stand the crying.”

A flare up, triggered by tbe burn.

Chinita scared me now. I couldn’t understand what was happening inside her head.

Manny's fear

I did my best, but I had more dizzy spells. I kept grinding my teeth. All the time I had dreams I was taken away—by boat, by spaceship, by horse, by donkey. In one dream I was lassoed with a strand

Lives under so much pressure of immigration and caring for Essy.

Lucia Bok was brought into the medical facility by the police at 10:05 p.m. A shopkeeper had reported seeing the young woman on Main Street, yelling and waving her arms at the traffic lights, wearing minimal clothing despite freezing temperatures.

L in hospital again.

Nurse Bob was working intake for Crote Six, the sixth-floor ward in the east wing.

Crote 6 hospital wwing

Depressives, psychotics, addicts, abusers, borderlines in search of three hots and a cot, especially after the holidays.

All of society's castoffs

He administered a standard two-milligram dose of Haldol,

To calm her

“It’s the Haldol,” said Nurse Bob. Side effects were common, but he rarely saw it get as bad as this. He gave Lucy two milligrams of Cogentin in a paper cup. She swallowed, too dazed to argue. Returned to bed, Coco watched her roommate

To stop th convulsions caused b haldol. Side effects can be very nasty.

A gangly German to her left. A fat American to her right. The fat American said hello and the “o” smelled like pepperoni.

The Amercan steriotype

she never knew what to expect—whether he’d come bearing cherries or wine gums or a gold bracelet for Ma, swing her around and around in circles (higher, Ba! higher!), or grunt and lock himself in the bedroom (don’t bother him, Nu-er, your Ba needs to be alone). The last year, he’d mostly disappeared, and they’d moved from their small city apartment

Their father is bpolar

Lucy clamped her hands over her ears, squeezed shut her eyes. “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA,” she belted, like a petulant child. She gestured with her chin in Miranda’s general direction. “HER. GO. AWAY.” A delusion will not go away by reasoning and therefore needs no discussion.

L's delusion.

Anosognosia. Impaired awareness of illness, also termed “lack of insight.” Some part of the brain, anatomically damaged, such that it could no longer recognize its own malfunctioning. It wasn’t an easy concept to grasp. “How about this,” he said.

Anosognosia

There were other reasons, too. Meds didn’t necessarily revert a person to normalcy, though they might mute the symptoms. Some patients grew attached to their delusions, some ditched the meds as soon as they felt better, and the nasty side effects were for real. Blunted emotions, drowsiness, nausea, tremors, decreased sex drive, high cholesterol and diabetes, and weight gain, which especially devastated young women. “And then there’s the stigma. High-functioning young woman like your sister, whole life ahead of her? She has her pride,” said Nurse Bob. “So denial is understandable, too. Right?”

So many good reasons for denial

“But she can’t even function now,” said Miranda. “That may be our opinion, but what if she doesn’t see it that way?” Bob could see Miranda Bok struggling, still confused.

This is the dilemma . Most western societies cannot handle allowing someone to be different, even for a little while.

“I’m getting screened out by yet another self-important social worker.

Not that unusual for new ones. Who want to feel like they know best. They mean well, but seasoning teaches them to either listen more, or it burns them out.

“I think the trickiest part is trying to be a parental figure without having any real parental authority. But then acting like I’m his friend isn’t quite right either. It’s this strange in-between space.

Well said for step parents of teens esp

“Schizophrenia doesn’t define me. It’s not who I am. We learned that in Group today, didn’t you hear?” Nurse Bob sighed.

Indeed. She wont allow it to.

Lucy’s current presentation was far too calm. “I’ll handle it,” said Miranda. “This is a tough situation,” said Bob. “I know that.” “Even if she . . .” “Once we get her back on her meds, she’ll be fine,” said Miranda. I’ll take care of her, Ma. “But Ms. Bok, you should

The guilt of Miranda's is nearly crippling.

Jie, can we bake cookies today? Can we collect worms in my shoe? Make hot chocolate out of mud? Sing that song again, the one with the bones. I’m a skeleton. I’m a lion tamer! Let’s go to the zoo. Can we play the word game again, Jie? How about this one: Shenandoah. That’s a good one, Mei. Elixir. Ineffable. Gossamer. Defenestration.

Mei's mania

“I thought I was your friend,” said Coco, pissed. Visitors always messed up everything.

The disordered thinking is stunning. And the me-centric thinking.

Lucy Bok spent a total of forty days in Crote Six. Bob knew the odds were against her, that she would most likely be back. But if anyone could beat the odds, she could.

Odds are against her