Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

by Henry Cloud

By the time they are ready to leave home, our children should have internalized a deep sense of personal responsibility for their lives. They should hold these convictions: My success or failure in life largely depends on me. Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices. Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself.

Though I will always fail and need support, I can’t depend on some overresponsible individual to constantly bail me out of spiritual, emotional, financial, or relational crises.

This isn’t to say that we aren’t deeply influenced for better or worse by our backgrounds and our various stressors. We certainly are. But we are ultimately responsible for what we do with our injured, immature souls.

Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns of parents, but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.

Children begin life in a helpless, dependent fashion. Godly parenting, however, seeks to help children learn to think, make decisions, and master their environment in all aspects of life. This runs the gamut of deciding what to wear in the morning to what courses to take in school. Learning to make age-appropriate decisions helps children have a sense of security and control in their lives.

You owe no one an explanation about why you will not do something that is not your responsibility.

“Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Transference is when you experience feelings in the present that really belong to some unfinished business in the past.

Resistance to structure.

Lack of follow-through.

Inability to delay gratification.

An external problem is easier to deal with than an internal one. When we switch our focus from setting limits on other people to setting limits on ourselves, we make a major shift in responsibility. Previously, we were only responsible to, not for, the other party. Now we have a great deal more involvement—we are the other party. We are responsible for ourselves.

self-boundary problems will worsen with increased aloneness.

Many Christians raised in legalistic environments were not permitted to make decisions for themselves. When they try to make their own decisions, they feel guilty. This guilt forces them to rebel in destructive ways. Food addictions and compulsive spending are often reactions against strict rules.

our boundary conflicts may not be all our fault. They are, however, our responsibility.

many people with self-boundary struggles are also quite isolated from deep relationships. They have no “rootedness” in God or others

We need to embrace failure instead of trying to avoid it. Those people who spend their lives trying to avoid failure are also eluding maturity.

provide empathy and clear feedback, keep people responsible by letting them see the effect their actions have on another. When one member tells another, “Your uncontrolled behavior makes me want to stay away from you. I don’t feel that I can trust you when you act like that,” the out-of-control person isn’t being parented or policed. He is hearing truth in love from a peer. He’s hearing how what he does helps or damages those he loves. This kind of confrontation builds an empathy-based morality, a love-based self-control.

Learning about sowing and reaping is valuable. It teaches us that we suffer losses when we aren’t responsible. The impulsive overeater has medical and social difficulties. The overspender faces bankruptcy court. The chronically late person misses plane flights and important meetings, and loses friendships. The procrastinator faces losses of promotions and bonuses. And on and on.

Learning how to develop better self-boundaries is an orderly process. First, we are confronted about the destructiveness of our behavior by others. Then consequences will follow if we don’t heed the feedback. Words precede actions and give us a chance to turn from our destructiveness before we have to suffer.

God doesn’t glory in our suffering. Just as a loving father’s heart breaks when he sees his children in pain, God wants to spare us pain. But when his words and the feedback of his other children don’t reach us, consequences are the only way to keep us from further damage.

as you deal with real needs, fail, get empathic feedback, suffer consequences, and are restored, you build stronger internal boundaries each time. As you stay with your goal and with the right people, you will build a sense of self-restraint that can truly become part of your character for life.

Trust, the ability to depend on ourselves and others in times of need, is a basic spiritual and emotional survival need. We need to be able to trust our own perceptions of reality and to be able to let significant people matter to us.

When some people read the Bible, they see a book of rules, do’s and don’ts. When others read it, they see a philosophy of life, principles for the wise. Still others see mythology, stories about the nature of human existence and the human dilemma. Certainly, the Bible contains rules, principles, and stories that explain what it is like to exist on this earth. But to us, the Bible is a living book about relationship. Relationship of God to people, people to God, and people to each other. It is about a God who created this world, placed people in it, related to people, lost that relationship, and continues to heal that relationship. It is about God as creator: this is his creation. It is about God as ruler: he ultimately controls his world and will govern it. And it is about God as redeemer: he finds, saves, and heals his loved ones who are lost and in bondage.

Think of the parable of the prodigal son, the story of the rich young ruler, or the story of Joshua and his people. In all of these examples, God gives a choice and allows the people involved to make up their minds. When people say no, he allows it and keeps on loving them. He is a giver. And one of the things he always gives is a choice, but like a real giver, he also gives the consequences of those choices.

Many people are not as honest as these biblical characters were, however. The prodigal son was direct and honest: “I do not want to do it your way. I’m going to do it my way.” We are more often like the second son in the parable of the two sons in the vineyard (Matt. 21:28–31). We say yes, but we act out no. God prefers honesty. “It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it” (Eccl. 5:5). We would be much better off if we would say an honest no to whatever God is asking, for the next step could be repentance. An honest no will lead us to the discovery of how destructive it is to say no to God and to a real hungering and thirsting for righteousness.

Jerry was a member of a support group I was leading. He was cheating on his wife, but he kept saying that he was sorry and that he really didn’t want to be an adulterer. He really wanted to obey God; however, as much as he said that, he didn’t change. He wanted to believe that he wanted to change without doing the work of change. Tired of hearing how much he wanted to be different, I suggested that he tell God and the group the truth. He really did not want to change, he enjoyed his affairs, and his real wish was that God would take his rules and go somewhere else. Jerry was taken aback, but gradually began to see how true this was. Finally, he told the truth about his lack of love for God and how he really wanted to do his own thing. At first this admission scared him. He was giving up the falsehood of seeing himself as a Christian who cared about holiness. But his honesty felt better to him than all the lies, and something began to happen. In the safety of grace, which was allowing him to see himself as he really was, he began to regret who he was. He began to see the emptiness of his heart. When he owned who he really was from his heart, he did not like himself. He was develo...

Until we can own our boundaries with God, we can’t ever change them or allow him to work with them. They are hidden and not communicated. They need to be honestly owned, exposed, and made a...

In our deeper honesty and ownership of our true person, there is room for expressing anger at God. Many people who are cut off from God shut down emotionally because they feel that it is not safe to tell him how angry they are at him. Until they feel th...

We often fear being honest because it was not safe to express honesty in our earthly relationships. With Job we fear both abandonment and retaliation. People abandoned us or attacked us when we told them how we really felt. Rest assured, however, that God desires truth in our “inner parts” (Ps. 51:6). He is seeking people who will have a real relationship with him (John 4:23–24). He wants to hear it all, no matter how bad it seems to us. When we own what is within our boundaries, when we bring it into the light, God can transform it with his love.

The basic problem in human relationship is that of freedom. We call people bad because they do not do what we want them to do. We judge them for being themselves, for fulfilling their wishes. We withdraw love from them when they do what they feel is best for them, but it is not what we want them to do. We do the same thing with God. We feel entitled to God’s favor, as if he has to do what we want him to. How do you feel when someone asks you for a favor but does not give you a free choice? This childish entitlement gets many people dissatisfied with God the same way that they are dissatisfied with others in their lives. They hate the freedom of others. God is free from us. When he does something for us, he does it out of choice. He is not “under compulsion” or guilt or manipulation. He does things, like dying for us, because he wants to. We can rest in his pure love; he has no hidden resentment in what he does. His freedom allows him to love.

Job had to come to accept the freedom of God to not rescue him when he wanted. Job expressed his anger and dissatisfaction with God, and God rewarded his honesty. But Job did not “make God bad,” in his own mind. In all of his complaining, he did not end his relationship with God.

He didn’t understand God, but he allowed God to be himself and did not withdraw his love from him, even when he was very angry with him. This is a real relationship.

In the same way that we want others to respect our no, God wants us to respect his. He does not want us to make him the bad guy when he makes a choice. We do not like others trying to manipulate or control us with guilt, and neither does he.

God does not want us to be passive in our relationship with him either. Sometimes, through dialogue, he changes his mind.

One of the most astounding teachings of the Bible is that we can influence God. It wouldn’t be a real relationship if we couldn

God wants us to respect his boundaries; he doesn’t want us to withdraw our love when he says no. But he has nothing at all against our trying to persuade him to change his mind. In fact, he asks for us to be tenacious. Often he says, “Wait,” seeing how much we really want something. Other times, it seems he changes his mind as a result of our relationship with him. Either way, we respect his wishes and stay in relationship.

God is the ultimate responsibility taker. If someone else causes him pain, he takes responsibility for it. If we continue to abuse him, he is not masochistic; he will take care of himself. And for our own sakes, we do not want to suffer the consequences of his boundaries. The parable of the wedding banquet shows us God taking responsibility (Matt. 22:1–14). A king who was planning a banquet invited many people to come. When they said no, he pleaded with them. They continued to say no and went about their own business. Finally, the king had had enough. Taking responsibility for the situation, he said to his servants, “The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find” (vv. 8–9). Whenever God decides that “enough is enough,” and he has suffered long enough, he respects his own property, his heart, enough to do something to make it better. He takes responsibility for the pain and makes moves to make his life different. He lets go of the rejecting people and reaches out to some new friends. God is a good model. When we are hurting, we need to take responsibility for the hurt and make some appropriate moves to make things better. This may mean letting go of someone and finding new friends. It may mean forgiving someone and letting them off the hook so we can feel better.

The gospel brings things back to their created order, the truth and order of God.

Boundaries help us to be the best we can be—in God’s image. They let us see God as he really is. They enable us to negotiate life, fulfilling our responsibilities and requirements. If we are trying to do his work for him, we will fail. If we are wishing for him to do our work for us, he will refuse. But if we do our work, and God does his, we will find strength in a real relationship with our Creator.

The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there’s a good reason.

The idea of spiritual warfare is not new. For thousands of years, God has given people the choice of living lives of ruin, or possessing what he has secured for them. And it has always involved battles. When he led the Israelites out of Egypt toward the promised land, they had to fight many battles and learn numerous lessons before they could possess the land. We have to fight for our healing as well. God has secured our salvation and our sanctification. In position and principle he has healed us. But we have to work out his image in us.

People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves. When they hear no, they have the same reaction a two-year-old has when deprived of something: “Bad Mommy!” They feel as though the one who deprives them of their wishes is “bad,” and they become angry. They are not righteously angry at a real offense. Nothing has been done “to them” at all. Someone will not do something “for them.” Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others’ freedom

It is not the situation that’s making the person angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others and, as a result, they have no control over themselves.

the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people.

Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it, or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage.

do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.

No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt message. People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to make them feel bad.

Remember the landowner’s words in the parable of the workers in the vineyard: “Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?” (Matt. 20:15). The Bible says that we are to give and not be self-centered. It does not say that we have to give whatever anyone wants from us. We are in control of our giving.

Some people swallow guilt messages without seeing how controlling they are. Be open to rebuke and feedback; you need to know when you are being self-centered. But guilt messages are not given for your growth and good. They are given to manipulate and control.