Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

by Henry Cloud

Jerry was a member of a support group I was leading. He was cheating on his wife, but he kept saying that he was sorry and that he really didn’t want to be an adulterer. He really wanted to obey God; however, as much as he said that, he didn’t change. He wanted to believe that he wanted to change without doing the work of change. Tired of hearing how much he wanted to be different, I suggested that he tell God and the group the truth. He really did not want to change, he enjoyed his affairs, and his real wish was that God would take his rules and go somewhere else. Jerry was taken aback, but gradually began to see how true this was. Finally, he told the truth about his lack of love for God and how he really wanted to do his own thing. At first this admission scared him. He was giving up the falsehood of seeing himself as a Christian who cared about holiness. But his honesty felt better to him than all the lies, and something began to happen. In the safety of grace, which was allowing him to see himself as he really was, he began to regret who he was. He began to see the emptiness of his heart. When he owned who he really was from his heart, he did not like himself. He was developing godly sorrow, the kind that leads to repentance, and he began to change. He told his lover that he was not going to see her any more, and he made a new commitment to his wife. This time he meant it. Whereas for years he had been saying yes and acting out no, he finally owned his no to God direc...