Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

by Henry Cloud

We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out. We need self-control without repression.

The Scriptures advise parents to “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6). Many parents misunderstand this passage. They think “the way he should go” means “the way we, the parents think he (or she) should go.” Can you see the boundary conflicts already beginning? The verse actually means “the way God has planned for him (or her) to go.” In other words, good parenting isn’t emotionally bludgeoning the child into some clone or ideal of the perfect child. It’s being a partner in helping young ones discover what God intended for them to be and helping them reach that goal.

Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can.

Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you.

Your envy should always be a sign to you that you are lacking something. At that moment, you should ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you do not have whatever you are envying, and whether you truly desire it. Ask him to show you what you need to do to get there, or to give up the desire.

When we’ve taken the responsibility to develop several supportive relationships in this biblical fashion, we can take a no from someone. Why? Because we have somewhere else to go.

Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat.

Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated.

The key here is that the other person is not responsible for our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line.

Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (Rom.

We have never seen a “submission problem” that did not have a controlling husband at its root.

If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you probably have an angry person in your head that you still fear.

People who can’t get angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No “warning light” alerts them to boundary problems.