Goodbye, Again: Essays, Reflections, and Illustrations

by Jonny Sun

I don’t enjoy having time that’s been unaccounted for because it immediately makes me feel like I should be doing something with it, and then I can’t think of anything that I could possibly be doing that would be worthwhile enough to live up to the raw potential of any amount of available time.

I’ve found that acknowledging good things as Really Happening usually sends me into deep spirals of doubt and anxiety and so I’ve learned to float through most good things without acknowledging that they’re real or happening at all.

we might not speak to each other for months, sometimes even years, knowing that we are always one message away from each other but the ease of that closeness means we can talk at any time, and so there is no specific urgency to do so, and so we put it off, and we put it off, and we put it off.

I don’t begrudge anyone for not responding and not getting back to me, because I do that, too. I understand other things get in the way, or that sometimes, the burden of configuring a response that encompasses everything that needs to be said is too great to face at the moment.

as if to say to him, “See, I’m a person who people know, and people like me.”

Here, I don’t have to worry about feeling alone for a few moments longer. Feeling lonely is for people who have arrived somewhere, I tell myself, not for people still on the way there.

As I play them, I find it relaxing to go on the internet and research what the best crops are, how to get the best items, how and when and where to catch all the fish and bugs, and what schedules the games run on internally so I know how to play them in a way where I can do the most stuff, therefore optimizing my time and achieving the most productive relaxation I can.

isn’t that what we are always told that every small action counts that one small thing can change someone’s life and so how are we not always folding under the pressure of EVERY SMALL THING MATTERING IN THE BIGGEST WAYS AND SO NOTHING IS EVER REALLY A SMALL THING IS IT NOT EVEN HOW MANY ROLLS OF PAPER TOWEL TO GET

Maybe just don’t have a birthday party again this year, just like last year, just like every year, because you still don’t know who it is you’re supposed to be celebrating the existence of.

if I were truly important, my leaving would have had an impact. It would have done something. There would have been a hole that I left behind that people would notice. Instead, everything just keeps going on without me. And it feels like the lesson is, you don’t matter.

I can imagine all my closest friends enjoying themselves, talking and laughing, and we are celebrating some normal thing that people throw parties in celebration of, and I would finally be enjoying myself too, and I would be relaxed, and happy, because I would know that in the background, my funeral playlist is playing.

Everything turned out fine; all I needed to do was live under constant and overwhelming stress and pressure forever

It’s in the moments of happiness where I feel the most vulnerable to thoughts of sadness and of hopelessness.

See you later cannot be promised, but Goodbye, again reminds us that we’ve done this before. And after the last time, at least, we both came back.