‘There’s a standard test,’ JP goes, ‘that estate agents use to decide whether or not a house is situated in what can be called a “desirable area”.’ It works like this. First, you ring the Feds and you tell them that a man wearing a balaclava and carrying a knife is climbing through your kitchen window. Then, when you’ve hung up, you ring Domino’s and you order a twelve-inch pizza with everything on it. The rule is that if the pizza shows up before the Feds – as is almost always the case in Terenure, I’m reliably told – then you couldn’t in all honesty describe the area as desirable.’
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