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Beyond basic management of hair and stink and growing testicles, no one talks to them about the paradoxes of this stage of life, like the fact that they often just want to go quiet, but can also have rage; they have deep thoughts but are also impulsive; they grow and develop later than girls (at least many of them), but are steeped in a culture of violence and sex at increasingly young ages.
our own parental keep-the-peace, give-’em-what-they-want, be cool strategy of silence just breeds more silence.
It is time for all of us to let go of our preconceived notions that our sons don’t want to talk.
AVOID EYE CONTACT. At least in the beginning, find ways to have conversations that don’t require you to stare down your kid.
At least in the beginning, find ways to have conversations that don’t require you to stare down your kid. The car is an ideal place for this because, ostensibly, your eyes are on the road and he’s nowhere near your direct line of sight.
Use other people’s behaviors—both good and bad—to illustrate to your own kids what you expect from them. They may return the favor by pointing out your habits, so try not to get annoyed.
Back-and-forth dialogue is the key to successful parenting.
beginning in fetal life well before birth, the very presence of testosterone—and the ability for the rest of the body to “see” that testosterone via receptors on the outside surfaces of different cells—makes a boy a boy.
Adrenal androgens are the primary reason all kids, boys and girls, start to get greasy, hairy, and stinky.
Testosterone directly impacts the way the male brain is organized.
specific areas within the limbic system (hello again, amygdala and hippocampus!) become more active when friends are nearby;
Puberty is the body and brain’s path to sexual maturity and reproductive ability,
Kids get better at decision-making over time, yes. But they literally aren’t hardwired to weigh the long-term implications of their actions, particularly when faced with short-term pleasures.
Put into context, that means that a fetus grows 250,000 neurons every minute in the womb.
You know what’s not myelinated in middle school? The outermost part of the brain right underneath the forehead: the frontal lobe. Myelin just hasn’t quite made it all the way out there yet. In fact, this is one of the very last parts of the brain that will mature, with the last of the last being the tip-top of the frontal lobe, the area called the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is where a person weighs the consequences of doing something versus not doing something—it is the part of the brain that helps make good, smart, big-picture decisions. Long-term decisions. The opposite of
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But the prefrontal cortex is not fully myelinated, while the neurons in the limbic system are. And that means that if two messages are sent simultaneously, one to the limbic system and one to the prefrontal cortex, then in the tween or teen brain the message going to the limbic system will arrive much faster—3,000 times faster. The prefrontal cortex just cannot be accessed as readily as the limbic system. And that means that our kids can and often will make emotional or impulsive decisions (like: let’s open the front door because someone is ringing the bell) before weighing the consequences
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HOW TO TALK TO BOYS ABOUT…BRAIN DEVELOPMENT 1. CONNECT BIOLOGY WITH DECISION-MAKING. It really helps kids to understand that our parenting choices are related to their ability to make smart decisions. It’s not that we don’t trust them (though sometimes we don’t trust them) but rather that we don’t trust their brains to do the right thing. And with good reason! So explain brain maturation as best you can, read this chapter together, or find a video online that explains the topic clearly (for older kids who like videos, I always recommend SciShow by Hank Green).
TEACH PAUSING STRATEGIES SO THAT MESSAGES CAN GET TO THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX, TOO. Teach your son (or daughter!) to take a moment before making a choice that’s not obviously smart and safe. How? Count to ten, or breathe in and out slowly for a few breaths, or, if time allows, take a longer break to go for a walk, shoot some hoops, journal…whatever helps to clear the mind. This is a real thing by the way, and allows for more even distribution of signaling throughout the brain.
First, GET DEVICES OUT OF THE BEDROOM AT NIGHT. Did you feel like I yelled that?
And second, START TALKING ABOUT PORN.
By the way, the same warning about the safety and validity of supplements goes for everything we all purchase in this category. So think about that the next time you pick up a bottle of fish oil or vitamin D for yourself, and choose a brand that opts into testing.
Do what feels good, whispers the devil over one shoulder, where the devil actually turns out to be rapid-firing electrical impulses reaching the limbic system in fractions of a second.
All of this is to say that the first reason why adolescents are more susceptible to addiction than adults is that their brains are still under construction, with the thrill-seeking centers dominating and then firing and then setting off intense positive feedback loops.
Adolescence marks the time of maximal neuronal pruning and shaping—the kid learning a new instrument and loving it (fire, reward circuits, fire!) will pick it up faster than you or I ever could at our current age;
Learning is the act of establishing neuronal pathways. As neurons fire in specific patterns, they hardwire themselves together. The first several times, creating these pathways takes effort. But with each subsequent firing, a pattern is established: a routine of electrical impulses followed by neurotransmitter release followed again by electrical impulse over and over along the same cells. Whether we are learning a computer program or a sport or a bad habit, the more often we tell our brains to fire a specific sequence of neurons, the easier it gets for our brains to comply, ultimately to the
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remember that a fully functional check-and-balance system between frontal and limbic doesn’t exist until they are both completely myelinated in early adulthood.
least in America, death by gunshot is most commonly a result of suicide. In other words, a person living here is more likely to use a gun to kill himself than someone else. This is an incredibly important point—and not true of most other places, by the way. The suicide piece of the equation makes the whole gun violence conversation trickier, because we really need to have at least two separate dialogues: one about what drives violence against others and one that asks why people seek to end their own lives. These threads are quite distinct, but they get consolidated when the focus is on the
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But among those who have engaged in gun violence, and especially within the tiny group of individuals who have terrorized kids on school campuses or at school events, the majority check all of these boxes. They are young, they are male, they have suffered some sort of trauma, and they can get their hands on a gun.
gaming of any sort impacts the psyche,
The data doesn’t show what I see in my house and what I hear from so many others: that kids on games seem agitated after playing for a long enough time; that they act like they are traumatized, or at least jacked-up on endorphins.
Despite my observations, though, according to multiple studies, the data actually show the opposite. They suggest benefits from first-person-shooter video games—big ones, like improved spatial skills, changes in neural processing and efficiency that boost attention, and even enhancement of creative thinking. And what’s more, rates of overall youth violence have actually decreased as violent video game consumption has increased—not that this is necessarily causal, but it’s important to point out.
whether we work or stay at home doesn’t matter nearly as much as how present and connected we are when our kids are around.
Suicide is the most common form of death by firearm in this country. So when you think there’s something going on with your son, even just something small and trivial, ask him. Not just once, but regularly. How are you doing? Who are you hanging out with? You seem down—is everything okay? If he tells you he wants help, reach out to your pediatrician or a school counselor.
FIGURE OUT YOUR KID’S MAGICAL NUMBER. Most kids hit a mood wall after a fairly consistent amount of time. For some, that’s half an hour; for others, it can be much longer. Try to get a clear sense of how long your son can stay on a device without transforming into an angry or short-tempered version of himself. And then stay ahead of that.
All digital devices really should live outside of the bedroom.
Firearms are actually the second-leading cause of death among U.S. children, behind motor vehicle accidents.
After years of working in health care, teaching, and writing, I am ever more certain that talking is the key to health, wellness, and, yes, survival.
Emotional swings during puberty are completely normal, as are swings before puberty starts and long after it’s done.
