Out of Nowhere (Middle of Somewhere #2)

by Roan Parrish

My mother’s eyes look back at me, but where hers were a soft blue, mine just look empty. I have her light brown hair, too, but it’s usually buzzed so short you can barely tell what color it is. Rafe is right, though. I haven’t had it this long in years—maybe an inch long—and it’s lighter even than I remember. My brothers all have Pop’s dark hair and pale skin. Daniel has green eyes, though, where Brian and Sam have brown, like Pop. I’m not sure how Daniel ended up with them. It’s like genetics conspired to mark him as different.

“Call me when you’re ready to tell me what I need to hear,” he says, his eyes on fire and his hands hot on my skin. And goddamn him, he kisses me gently on the cheek and brushes the spot with his thumb. Then, with a tight jaw, he turns his back and leaves.

He leans back in his chair, his expression so familiar that I’m flooded with warmth for him. It’s the same combination of affection, frustration, and puzzlement that he used to get about girls when we were sixteen.

Watching them has made me think more about Daniel in the last few weeks than I ever have before. About what it might’ve been like if he’d had something like YA to go to. He was small for his age in high school—skinny and clumsy. His hair was always a mess and he had this expression when he was pissed off, which was most of the time, that I’m sure he thought was intimidating but really just looked like he was in pain. It was a beacon to anyone who picked on the kids who showed weakness. He was always coming home with black eyes and bruises and split lips. When Brian was still in school with him, we’d sometimes ask who he fought with so Brian could take care of it, but Daniel would never say.

“One more year. Until Anders can move out and then his dad won’t have control over him anymore.” Rafe looks at me sharply. “Fathers can have control over you at any age, don’t you think?”

And I know I should say something. Tell him he made me feel amazing. That I loved it. But I can’t. I’m afraid if I say any of it out loud, think about it for too long, the shame will hit. I just hum against Rafe’s shoulder and squeeze my eyes shut, sliding a hand into his hair and absently untangling it until I fall asleep.

I’m shaky with the same poison I felt every time I hurt Daniel.

Rafe runs his hand along my ribs. When he speaks his voice is gentle. “Maybe you get so mad at Daniel because he gets to have something you don’t.”

I can feel Rafe’s smile. “I mean that Daniel gets to be honest about who he is and who he cares about to his brothers. He accepted the consequences of the truth and he told it anyway.” The words cut, but Rafe wraps his arm around me, pressing me against him, and kisses my temple. “I think sometimes the people we get angriest with are the ones who have the things we want the most.”

“You were as much in prison as anyone I knew there, Colin. Only you created it for yourself. Your father paced out the cell and your brothers fit the bars and you turned the key in the lock and buried it somewhere only you know. And you stared at Daniel through the bars and cursed him for being able to walk out the door. But he’s not the one who did something wrong. All he did was save himself. And you can too. But you have to find that key and unlock the door.”

“I don’t even know if he would’ve loved me if he knew who I was, okay!” Daniel swallows hard. “You mean because you saw how he didn’t love me once he knew I was gay.”