Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions

by Neel Burton

Nothing can make us feel more alive, or more human, than our emotions, or hurt us more.

To control our emotions is to control ourselves, and to control ourselves is to control our destiny.

‘Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.’

People in the depressive position are often stigmatized as ‘failures’ or ‘losers’. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. If these people are in the depressive position, it is most probably because they have tried too hard and taken on too much, so hard and so much that they have made themselves ‘ill with depression’. That is to say, if these people are in the depressive position, it is because their world was not good enough for them. They wanted more, they wanted better, and they wanted different, not just for themselves but for all those around them. So, if they are failures or losers, this is only because they set the bar far too high. They could have swept everything under the carpet and pretended, as many people do, that all is for the best in the best of possible worlds. But unlike many people, they had the honesty and the strength to admit that something was amiss, that something was not quite right. So rather than being failures or losers, they are all the opposite: they are ambitious, they are truthful, and they are courageous. And that is precisely why they got ‘ill’.

Impatience implies impotence, or lack of control or command over a situation, and this impotence gives rise to frustration. Impatience and frustration are as misguided as they are miserable, and as sterile as they are self-defeating.

Life is too short to wait, but it is not too short for patience.

People with healthy self-esteem do not need to prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs, or sex (when these things are a crutch). On the contrary, they treat themselves with respect and look after their health, community, and environment. They are able to invest themselves completely in projects and people because they do not fear failure or rejection. Of course they suffer hurt and disappointment, but their setbacks neither damage nor diminish them. Owing to their resilience, they are open to people and possibilities, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.

My view is that we are all born with a healthy self-esteem, which is then either confirmed or undermined by our life experiences. Low self-esteem is often rooted in traumatic childhood experiences such as prolonged separation from parent figures; neglect; or emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In later life, self-esteem can be undermined by ill health, negative life events such as divorce or unemployment, dysfunctional relationships, social isolation or discrimination, and a general sense of lack of control. This feeling of helplessness may be especially marked in victims of abuse or discrimination on whatever grounds. The relationship between low self-esteem and mental disorder is very complex. Low self-esteem predisposes to mental disorder, which in turn knocks self-esteem. But low self-esteem can also be a symptom of mental disorder, leading to a chicken-and-egg situation.

Whenever we live up to our dreams and promises, we can feel ourselves growing. Whenever we fail but know that we have done our best, we can feel ourselves growing. Whenever we stand up for our values and face the consequences, we can feel ourselves growing. That is what growth depends on. Growth depends on bravely living up to our ideals, not the ideals of the company that we work for, or our parents’ approval, or our children’s successes, or anything else that is not truly our own but, instead, a betrayal of ourselves.