Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World

by Pema Chödrön

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure. In the process, we become liberated from very ancient patterns of selfishness. We begin to feel love for both ourselves and others; we begin to take care of ourselves and others. Tonglen awakens our compassion and introduces us to a far bigger view of reality. At first this allows us to experience things as not such a big deal and not so solid as they seemed before.

First, rest your mind briefly, for a second or two, in a state of openness or stillness. This stage is traditionally called “flashing on absolute bodhichitta,” or suddenly opening to basic spaciousness and clarity.

Second, work with texture. When you inhale, breathe in a feeling of hot, dark, and heavy. This is the claustrophobic texture and quality of tightly fixed mind. Visualize or somehow have the experience of taking in this discomfort. Breathe it in completely, through all the pores of your body. For some people, it’s helpful to think in terms of colors or images. A traditional image is breathing in black smoke. Some breathe in red because it’s hot; some visualize green slimy stuff. You can do whatever works to give you the sense of taking in these uncomfortable feelings that you would normally avoid.

When you exhale, breathe out a feeling of cool, bright, airy, and light—a sense of freshness. Again, you can use whatever imagery works, such as the coolness of blue, or the brightness of white. Radiate this freshness 360 degrees, through all the pores of your body.

In the third stage, connect with a personal situation that’s painful to you. For instance, if your elderly mother is going through a hard time, breathe in her pain with the wish that she be free of any pain she’s having. With your out-breath send out happiness or spaciousness or whatever you think will benefit her. Or

Finally, in the fourth stage, we expand on the specific situation and make our taking in and sending out bigger. The third and fourth stages balance each other out. The idea is that if you’re too general, it doesn’t really touch the heart. But if you stay too specific, you can get bogged down, overwhelmed, or too self-absorbed about the particular situation.

Tonglen can extend infinitely. As you do the practice, gradually over time your compassion naturally expands, and so does your realization that things are not as solid as you thought.