If I Never Met You

by Mhairi McFarlane

“But we’ve got to stay at the same company together? How’s that going to fucking work?” Dan and Laurie managed a few degrees of separation at Salter & Rowson by being in different departments, but once they were exes that would hardly be enough. “I can start looking for other positions. I might jack it all in. I’m not sure yet.” “Honestly, Dan, it still sounds like you’re freaked out by having a baby and have decided to go full nuke from orbit to fix it,”

Yeah, because he’s gonna nuke his entire life because he doesn’t want a baby….that’s unhinged. You’re being unhinged in your refusal to accept being dumped. 18 years, down the drain. Why waste another ten minutes on this jackass?? Not that Dan is a jackass mind you but ffs

Laurie finally accepted in that moment that this was real, they really might be over.

Being privy to someone else’s breakup is not awesome…most of these books start after the breakup 😂😂

“Such a massive catch, you’ll pass me up?” “We’ve been together all our lives, Laurie, you’re my only serious girlfriend. It’s not like I’m walking away lightly, or that I never cared.”

Tbh I don’t believe in the concept of high school sweethearts…I feel everyone has to experience life a bit first before they settle down. And it could be because I’m a child of divorce or it could be because marriage seems silly to me in that requires a larger commitment than anything else in life. Other than becoming a parent.

“Good to know you used to care,” she said, hearing how plaintive and bitter her voice sounded in the sitting room. “Small mercies? Or is that meant to be a big mercy?” “I do care.” “Just not enough to stay.” Dan stared blankly. “Say it,” Laurie said with force. “No.” It was the logical conclusion of everything he’d said; and yet that hard monosyllable surprised her so much, he might as well have slapped her.

Probably because you’re being a little unhinged. Again, if my S-O of 9 years came home tomorrow and told me he wanted to end it I’d be like “ok bet” and have his shit packed for his mom’s house in no time.” It’s been 9 years, men don’t just decide suddenly to end shit.

Did he hate all this stuff? In this home they’d made?

I guess I truly am not human. Because I’m finding this terribly boring and just dreadful to read. I’m starting to use words like “dreadful” to describe my experience, which means the posh British accents are wearing off on me. Also I hate how much time we’re dedicating to this. Idc they’ve been together 18 years 😂😂😂

It was such a shallow thing, but Laurie felt so damn uncool for being satisfied by a life that Dan wasn’t.

…Laurie, I’m starting to get bored by you. And the whole novel is your perspective. Chin up. Cheers!

chicken nuggets with beans and chips for tea

Oi. I forgot about the insatiable love of beans. With everything. Inexplicably.

“Working out how to tell everyone” was a part of her and Dan’s separation that was going to be almost as grueling a prospect as being left in the first place.

Why do you need to work out how to tell everyone? You just say “Dan and I are over.” Simple. To the point!

It felt so unnecessarily cruel that you didn’t just have to go through the thing, you had to have a dozen conversations with people of varying closeness about the fact you were going through the thing.

Bro If I don’t care What make you think your friends will This is so boring!!!

Dan did this, Dan should deal with all of it.

Right. Because Laurie is actually twelve.

Laurie gritted her teeth. Maddening calm was one of her mother’s attributes that could also feel like a weapon.

Your mom is just saying what I’ve been saying : fuck that man. Move on!

yeah, not what Laurie was saying, but how did Laurie think it would go, pointing out her mum’s hypocrisy in the sting of her dad’s news?

What hypocrisy? Can we move onto the fake dating part of this book? Is there a reason I must suffer through Laurie’s insufferable personality?

Easy for him to say, with his kind, dependable mum and dad who thought he was a prince among men and would drop anything and do anything for him.

Ok. I’m drawing some conclusions about you. You are the literal embodiment of sour grapes. It’s agonizing.

Laurie was simply too boring.

Laurie’s IS too boring. Good lord. When does this book start??? I could have done without all of this!

“She’s pregnant,” Dan heaved out.

Oof yep. There it is. Proof that this relationship was dead in the water before we got introduced. But also further proof that Laurie fucking SUCKS.

“Permission to cry, Laura?” “Laurie!” “Haha, oh God, sorry. I’ve got a blind spot where I’m determined to call you Laura. I’m turning into my dad. LOOK IT UP, MARJORIE!” Laurie laughed again and decided to enjoy Jamie, when he was the only pleasure to be had. “It’s a very cool name. Is it after anyone or anything?” he added.

What the fuck Is this supposed to get me jazzed for them? Because this interaction is awkward. And strange. Laurie is such a common fucking name why would you even make this comment????

“Very good!” Laurie said. “Five points to Slytherin.”

HIGHLIGHTING THIS BULLSHIT FOR MY NEXT NOTE

“And you got the Harry Potter reference too—don’t

I’m increasingly pissed off that I paid nearly $15 for this book. OF COURSE HE GOT THE HARRY POTTER REFERENCE YOU STUPID COW YOU MADE A SUPER BASIC REFERENCE THAT ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 60 WOULD UNDERSTAND

“I wish I had a quirky story about my name, but nah.”

THERE IS NOTHING QUIRKY ABOUT THE STORY OH MY GOD HAVE I SUFFERED THROUGH THE FIRST BAJILLION CHAPTERS ONLY TO BE SHIT ON BY THE LITERARY GODS??

She’d be furious and scorched by this until the end of her days. She felt delirious thinking about it.

And Now We are back to bitching and moaning about the ex Fuck Me

“I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life figuring out what the hell happened.” “He’s not worth that much of your time,” Jamie said,

Fucking THANK you.

I’m kind of a communist when it comes to relationships.”

I do not like this.

“I think long-term relationships are the most potent demonstration of the sunk cost fallacy you’ll ever see,” Jamie said.

Holy fucking Christ, yeah.

“What? I thought you would be SO into this. It’s like a public relations campaign on steroids. As a life experiment.” “That’s why you should take me seriously when I say don’t do it.” Laurie was so startled she could only blurt: “Why not?” “Because, for one, it’s lying. I know that sounds quite superstitious and I can’t be more specific. But it’s lying, and lying goes wrong. Lying is just bad karma.”

Laurie vaguely wondered why they were going somewhere Jamie didn’t go or rate much either. As she tapped her fingers waiting for the taxi, a few hours later, the answer came to her: so he doesn’t see anyone he knows, stupid.

Why is it relevant

This hurt, more than she bet it was meant to. Following Dan’s departure, Laurie was sensitive to accusations of being vanilla.

Then stop moping and stop being vanilla!!!

She winced inside: she’d been snippy with him to an unwarranted degree. She had a low opinion of this man for no real reason other than the boys at work hated him

Yes, so stop it then.

hallucinogens? Is that not a vision of my future but an episode of Black Mirror?

Not even remotely close to the sort of plot line you’d see on Black Mirror but ok.

“You didn’t tell her we weren’t really dating?” “No! That’s verboten. We agreed?” “Absolutely.” Laurie nodded, feeling a twinge of hypocrisy, though what risk was Emily?

You shouldn’t have told Emily tbh. Why can no one ever stick to not telling anyone 😂

Dan stalking Jamie’s online presence: it was a tiny glimmer of being wanted by him again, and Laurie craved it like a drug.

Why are you still longing after this waste of space?

In this moment, she made herself a promise: in the very unlikely event she found herself in love with anyone again, she’d assert herself. She’d say what she wanted, not endlessly accommodate his needs. If that made her a bitch at any point, so be it. There were no rewards to being a walkover.

“His loss” and a sad face emoji, after eighteen years, wow.

Your dad has the right idea of exactly the amount of energy to give to Dan.

Laurie found her way back to where Jamie stood, on legs that felt like the bones in them had dissolved.

I don’t understand what the fuck just happened. The author’s now thrown in an entirely hitherto-forth unknown character this late in the book which means he is meant to be the conflict but what the fuuuuuck

Jamie Carter, what an unlikely hero. In that second, she wondered if she loved him.

Uh…this is very sudden in comparison to the pace of THE REST OF THE BOOK!!!!!

“I agree with all of this.” “Then what are you doing here?” “To tell you that . . .” Jamie paused. “I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to be together. Somewhere along the line this stopped being a pretense for me.”

When did this happen? This is very sudden lol

“It doesn’t sound like you’re going to believe me, whatever I say.”

Yeah Jamie. And she’s had this thought the whole book too lol

She thought he’d fight harder. Apparently not.

You wanted him to fight harder When you aren’t fighting at all Make it make sense!!!!!!!!!!