52 Times Britain was a Bellend: The History You Didn’t Get Taught At School

by James Felton

Thomas, who to be fair to him was forgetful but not a complete bellend, turned his horse around immediately. Though it had been more than enough time without water to kill Archibald, he rode as fast as he could back to the castle, probably checking his other pockets to see if he’d murdered anyone else to death by mistake. Thomas claimed he rode the horse so hard the horse died. This was turning into a bit of a spree. He bought and rode a second horse, which survived and took him back to the castle. He arrived around midnight and opened the dungeon cell. Inside was most of Archibald, minus a chunk of flesh in his arm where he’d gnawed at it for food. Archibald had been sat there, forgotten but not gone, for several days before he ate parts of his own famously strong arm, and was finally ‘I’ve brought the wrong keys’-ed to death.