52 Times Britain was a Bellend: The History You Didn’t Get Taught At School

by James Felton

In the 1800s, the English took over the running of schools in Wales. True to form, when they arrived and found that the Welsh children were speaking Welsh in Wales, they were madder than an expat in Spain who’s just discovered their local tapas restaurant doesn’t serve pie.

Deportation was basically like the death penalty but with a fun roulette element.

When their plot was uncovered after someone, likely one of the conspirators, sent a letter to the government warning of the plot, it was Guy Fawkes who was caught. He gave his name as ‘John Johnson’ which is only slightly better as an alias than ‘Mr Innocent McMadeupname’.

In Ipswich another riot broke out, in which a protestor got killed on Christmas Day. It later transpired that his name was also Christmas. And so it was that we the British killed Christmas on Christmas for trying to celebrate Christmas. Even the Grinch drew the line at homicide.

Then in the New Zealand Settlements Act 1863 we legalised land confiscation from any Māori tribes we considered in rebellion against the British. This annoyed the Māori, who would then fight against it, thus becoming ‘in rebellion’ against the British, justifying more theft perfectly legal confiscation. We would then sell the land we stole confiscated legally from rebels and use it to fund fighting against more rebels.