To get at the peculiar instincts that circulate powerfully in the less noticed corners of our brains, we might try to finish stub sentences that invite us to share what might charm or repel us in others: If someone shows me huge kindness and consideration, I … If someone isn’t entirely convinced by me, I … When someone tells me they really need me, I … Our honest reactions are legacies that reveal our underlying assumptions about the kind of love it feels we are allowed, and are perhaps not an especially good guide to personal or mutual happiness.
