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Most of the time, being myself feels more like acting than theatre does, like I’m perched somewhere far back in my brain, pulling the levers that make my body move: Do this, say that, feel this emotion. Like every other girl got a manual of how to be a girl and I didn’t, like I’m fumbling around trying to figure it out and whenever I think I’m getting close, it all gets fucked up again.
She is a whole person and I am a ghost in her light.
“For the love of Gay Jesus,
Capitol Hill. The gay neighborhood, or so legend has it.
Love that for us
We sip our drinks, the warmth filling me up. He’s here. No. I’m here.
Literally <3 Ronnie
Zoe,
I get that he "loves" zoe but zoe just doesnt seem endgame for me
“Ooh, girlfriend outed you?” Jade grimaces. “Not cool.” “She has a name,” I say. Jade waves her hand. “Yeah, okay. Zoe outed you. You’re not mad?” I shrug. “It worked out.” Sure, every time I remember how Zoe’s voice dropped when she said pronouns, like it was some dirty secret, I feel a little sick, but it’s not the biggest deal. Not enough to confront her. It’s not like she’s being horribly transphobic.
See, not endgame
“Well, you’d been distant, and we talked about it and said I love you but then you were weird the next day, and I know that was because of the Lambert House thing, you didn’t feel like you could tell me, but for a minute, right before you told me, I thought … I thought that was it.”
Shes being kinda manipulative and gaslighty
“Maybe it was an accident.” Ronnie eyes me. “Uh-huh. And I’m straight.”
Me too bro
“I mean. No.” Zoe leans against the lockers, staring at the floor. “Kind of. She should have held Blake accountable.” “Wait, what?” I raise my eyebrows. “She did break up with him. And why is holding him accountable her job anyway?” “Why are you defending her?” Zoe says. I blink. Zoe seems angry now, out of nowhere. She’s frowning at me, and I don’t understand why, but I can’t deal with this right now. “Please don’t be mad at me,” I say. Her eyes turn sad. “I’m sorry.” She sighs. “I’m just mad that this happened to you. I want to do something about it.”
ARGGGHHHHH SO GASLIGHTY
“That’s not what I meant.” She sits up too, and suddenly there’s a huge canyon open between us, an abyss we’re both sliding toward. “What did you mean?” “Just that—I don’t know—it’s just like, an adjustment, that’s all.” I can’t help it: I bark out a laugh. “My dad always fucking says that about her.” I jump off the bed, backing away from Zoe. “I can’t believe you’re defending her.” “Well, it’s hard for me too!” she says, and the words freeze us both into silence. I stare at her. Has she been struggling with it this whole time? I thought she was okay with it, but was she thinking of me as a
...more
I CALLED IT
She said she loved me. I thought I loved her. But it was all a lie. She never really saw me for the person I am. Where love was, now grief burns a hole in my chest, my heart dissolving into ash.
Hate say it but, i told u so
“I’m sorry I outed you,” Ronnie says.
SEE, HE APOLOGIZED WITHOUT PROMPTING
She’s gone. She’s gone. And I’m alone.
Knew she wasnt endgame
I struggle upright. “I don’t get hangry like you do.” “Please.” He rolls his eyes. “Maybe that’s true, but if there was a word for sad and hungry, that would be you.”
“Mom.” My voice cracks. “You don’t have to understand. You just have to accept it. I’m not going to change. I’m trans. I’m a boy.” She takes another deep breath and nods. “Okay. I hear you.”
Im not crying, you are
