Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts

by Jennie Allen

Partway through the first day, Curt dared to poke the bear. It was near the end of a group chat, and after allowing for a few moments of silence, Curt looked at me and asked, “How are you feeling right now?” I stared at him for a second and then with a grin and a shrug said, “Good.” Who was I? This was a brilliant man whose work I esteem. We were lucky to have him there. And I was giving him the “Good” treatment? (I know it’s grammatically correct to say, “Fine.” But I say, “Good.” It’s going to be okay.) Throughout the weekend my strategy worked pretty well, as the less I proved a willing participant, the less Curt seemed to call on me. But just when I thought I could escape our time together without divulging a stinking thing, something I never expected busted through my cynical guard. Before I tell you what happened, I should mention that cynicism usually grows because we think we deserve better than we are getting. At the root of cynicism is crippling hurt. Cynicism says that nobody can be trusted, that we’re never, ever safe. My cynicism on our small retreat was prompted by an embarrassing thought. (Seriously, I can’t believe I am about to tell you this.) On the other side of my deep, dark spiritual spiral, I wasn’t waking up at 3 a.m. anymore, but I was still a little bitter toward God. Here is why: I never would have said it out loud, but I had always lived with a delightful confidence that God liked me. That I was one of His favorites. I don’t know whether God play...