The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

Until we are able to expect more from men in order to stay with them or continue business as usual, it is unlikely that men will feel called upon to change or even to pay attention.

Emotional distancing can be an essential first move to ensure our emotional well-being and even our survival. We all know from personal experience that a relationship can become so emotionally charged that the most productive action we can take is to seek space. And if we are in danger of violence or abuse, there is no higher priority than getting out of the situation to ensure that we will not be hurt.

Working on the self includes clarifying beliefs, values, and life goals, staying responsibly connected to persons on one’s own family tree, defining the “I” in key relationships, and addressing important emotional issues as they arise.

Some differences are bound to make us feel angry, isolated, and anxious at times—and for this reason it may be hard to keep in mind that differences are the only way we learn. If our world—or even our intimate relationships—were comprised only of people identical to ourselves, our personal growth would come to an abrupt halt.

One does not challenge the legacy of generations without stirring up profound emotionality.

When we don’t find a way to work on anniversaries with our conscious mind, the unconscious will do it for us.

You can just about measure the level of anxiety in a work system or family system by the amount of gossip. By “gossip,” I mean talk about another person, with a focus on that person’s incompetence or “pathology.” We consolidate our relationship with one party at the expense of a third—or we attempt to dilute our anxiety by getting others in our camp. Gossip has nothing to do with intentions. Our conscious intentions may be only the best.

Whenever adults are not actively working to identify and solve their own problems, then the focus on children may be especially intense or children may volunteer to deflect, detour, and act out adult issues in most imaginative ways. Indeed, children tend to inherit whatever psychological business we choose not to attend to.

True selfhood and assertiveness are self-focused, not other-focused.

this sharing was yet another courageous act of change. It pushed against the polarities in her family, where there was too much focus on the incompetence of one member and not enough focus on the incompetence of others. Later, when she was ready, she shared with Claire some of her problems with men and openly acknowledged that this was her significant area of underfunctioning. She also asked her sister for advice and help in areas where Claire had a history of expertise.

So, who is responsible for curing Claire’s depression or solving her problem? There is only one person who can do this job, although others will try, and that is Claire. It is her job to use her competence to become the best expert on her self and to figure out how she will work on her problem. Others may make it easier or harder for her to work toward recovery, but the challenge is hers.

The worst time to try to discuss a hot issue in a stuck relationship is when we are feeling angry or tense. Emotional intensity only makes people more likely to react to each other in an escalating fashion rather than to think objectively and clearly about their dilemma.

Emotions are not bad or wrong, and women certainly are not “too emotional,” as we have often been told. The ability to recognize and express feelings is a strength, not a weakness.

Throughout history, women have stood for connectedness by working to maintain ties to past and future generations. Unfortunately, we have often done this at the expense of the self, sacrificing personal and career goals central both to our self-esteem and to our economic security. Not surprisingly, men have had a complementary problem; they have tended to focus on moving up and measuring up, at the expense of responsible connectedness to past and future generations. The success, if not the survival, of our intimate relationships rests on our being able to get this in balance. So, too, does the success and survival of our world.